Why me?

This is a question I’ve been asking myself non-stop since February 7th. Why me and why now? I have been on a rollercoaster of emotions since that day trying to navigate my life and what has now happened to it.

I think it’s important that I share my story since I’m so young and can offer help to other women going through what I am now going through. It’s also inevitable that people will eventually find out, so I want to be open about it and I welcome any and all messages of support. I have found it immensely comforting to find other blogs and Instagram accounts of young women and their stories which has provided me motivation and encouragement that I too can recover from this and get back to being “me”, but also (and maybe more importantly) that they are not alone in their struggles and we can all find stability in each other by sharing what we’re going through, the good and the bad.

On February 7th I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer at age 29 (however I was 29 by only 7 days because my birthday was January 31st!). *cue jaw drop*….. I know, me too.

How it started

I had felt the lump over the holidays while reading a book on my couch. I can’t even tell you how I found it but I must have been adjusting my bra and then thought “hmm what’s that?” It took me a solid 15-20 minutes to decide that it was anything of anything. Breasts have a lot going on in them and to be honest, I may have done a self-examination maybe once?? I remember doing the examination (can’t even tell you why I did it) and I recall thinking “frig this is useless, there is so much going on in here, how would I ever find anything?!”. I felt around for a while and determined that it was indeed something. I tend to categorize myself as a hypochondriac, which up until now has been somewhat of a burden (too many close calls on life threatening diseases!), but it definitely came in handy in this case. I went to the Doctor the very next day, December 29th, and had her check it out. She felt around and said “well you know, I can kind of move it around, I’m not too concerned, you’re also only 28 years old”. She then went on to say in a very sweet/chill voice “you know what, since it’s your first lump, why don’t you just get an ultrasound and then you can rest assured that it isn’t anything serious”. I took the ultra sound referral and walked out of there with no worry in my mind.

Information tip: The Doctor said she thought she could “move it around”. This means that it isn’t stationary in the milk duct. A stationary lump would be a sign that a it can be cancerous. If the lump is moving around in the breast tissue, it can likely be a build-up of fibre (the most common reason for lumps in younger women).

Her lack of concern translated into my lack of concern. Weeks went by and I had totally forgotten about it other than feeling the lump occasionally as well as noticing the unused referral in my wallet. Work was the busiest it’s been in a while and I just couldn’t make the effort to catch a spare office or boardroom to make the call to book and have to say on the phone “left breast ultrasound please”. By lacking the privacy to say those words on the phone, I ended up leaving the lump for an entire month. Finally one day while I was working from home, I decided to stop letting it burn a hole in my mind and just book it and get it over with. They happened to have an opening the very next day, January 30th. The possibility of me having Breast Cancer at age 28 is something like 0.25%, so you can imagine my mind was fully invested in this just being some build-up of fibre instead, totally benign. Even still, fibre related lumps are examined by way of mammogram and biopsy, just to be safe, so even when the doctor recommended I come in the next day to have those two tests, I still wasn’t overly concerned.

Unfortunately, the “next day” was my 29th birthday. I agreed to do the tests regardless though. I figured that if a Doctor tells you to come in the next day, you should probably come in the next day. You can’t exactly say “um sorry, I have plans, my health can wait!”. So on the day that I turned 29, I reluctantly have to live with the fact that I had a mammogram and biopsy that would ultimately turn into breast cancer and change my entire life – what a nice memory. As for the tests themselves, for everyone’s information, mammograms SUCK. They are very unkind machines and they are incredibly awkward. Not to mention, they don’t offer much value for young women since our breast tissue is so dense that it hardly shows anything. The biopsy was also much more invasive that I had thought. I hadn’t really looked into it (why would I have? I’m so young) so I went in there not knowing what was in store. You feel like you are in the OR, and to make it worse, the ultrasound screen is right next to you so you can watch the whole ordeal. Not cool.

That night for my birthday I had planned to go to a cycle class at Ride with a bunch of my girlfriends. When you get older, your birthdays tend veer away from alcohol somehow and turn into workout class parties, who knew! The instructions from having the biopsy that day was to do no extraneous exercise for the first 24 hours…. F**k that! No way I was going to miss my own birthday celebration. In the back of my head I also secretly thought – there is absolutely no way I am cancelling this class with my girlfriends, especially in the event that this turns out to be a bad situation – that would have been the ultimate disappointment and memory.

I killed it in the cycle class, despite having had a minor operation that day! When it came around to doing the weight section of the class, I just kept my left hand limp and only did the right. I laugh every time I remember my girlfriend beside me (it was her first class), she saw me doing it with only my right hand, so she dropped her left and copied me, thinking I was doing it right. I wanted to look at her and jokingly say “Umm, I don’t think you had a biopsy today?!”.

For anyone reading this who is going to have a biopsy, do not follow my stupidity in doing a high intensity work out right afterwards (unless, like me, it’s your birthday and it’s probably worth it), it actually can cause serious issues like a hematoma which could possibly need to be surgically removed. Whoops!! I was in the clear though, and am secretly SO glad that I just went for it. A nice memory for my last birthday before the news.

February 7th

So this day sucked. A day I will remember for the rest of my life.

That morning, Mark and I said our morning goodbyes, but the elephant in the room was what the results were going to be. We had to have some sort of a game plan in the VERY SLIM event it was bad news. I quickly said “well if it’s bad news, then I’ll just come home”, but I said it in such a dismissive way because what were the chances of that?!

Up until this point, I can quite honestly say that I was the healthiest I had ever been in my life. I put immense effort into working out 3-4 times a week (cycle, boxing, yoga, walking, etc, etc.), eating healthy (good fats, high protein, vegies, low carbs, minimal gluten consumption, etc, etc.), not to mention – I looked great and felt great.

So you can imagine my bewilderment at the words “you have Breast Cancer”

Unfortunately (as you may know from my earlier blog posts about my best friend, Deanna) the concept of cancer isn’t so foreign to me. I know the ins and outs of what the course of treatment is, what it does to you mentally and physically, and I also know too well all the side effects and all the medical lingo and terminology. The worst thing I know though, is what it can do to the people you love. Coping with cancer is extremely difficult and everyone copes differently.

So when the Doctor told me my fate, the only thing going through my mind wasn’t how I was going to deal with this, but instead was the idea of how everyone else was going to deal with it and having to break everyone’s hearts with the news. Hadn’t we been through enough? While it has been 7 years since Deanna’s journey ended, we were not healed yet and the concept of cancer was still too fresh. Watching a young person go through chemotherapy/radiation/side-effects and having their life turned upside down is really hard to witness from the sidelines, and here I was going to have to ask for support from the same people who, like me, were still hurting, not to mention having to tell my family - how can anyone prepare you for this?

In that moment that the Doctor told me, I knew I could handle this though. Deanna is my rock in my life. She guides me in the worst times and reminds me that for anything that life throws at you, you have the strength to get through it. I knew I could do this because of her. For this reason, I didn’t cry when the Doctor told me. You might say I was in “shock” and therefore was “stunned”, but that was not the case. I took in the information, and I said to myself “Ok, Diana, you’ve got this” (but really – what else is there to say?). The Doctor seemed a little weary that I wasn’t more upset so she said “are you ok?”….(what a question in a time like this!), and then I finally broke. What broke me initially though was picturing having to tell Deanna’s family, who had been through enough, and picturing telling everyone I love, who should never have to watch a daughter/sister/partner/friend go through something like this.

And for heavens sakes, I had to cancel my amazing trip to Sri Lanka which I was scheduled to leave in 4 weeks with my friend Anna. HUGE disappointment. We had spent so much time and effort planning out the perfect trip. As I’m writing this, I can’t help but think I was supposed to be at Yala National Park today going on safaris and staying in beautiful huts by the ocean…. But I digress. Ugh. Don’t even get me started about my job. I was most likely up for promotion to Vice President this year and I had killed it and worked my ass off to be where I am and I’m so proud of where I’ve gotten myself. It makes me anxious thinking about where that all will fall now….again, I digress. UGH.

After I left the Doctor’s office, I couldn’t stop myself from crying. There was no holding it back. I wasn’t sobbing or anything, but just constant tears I couldn’t stop. I felt so sorry and sad for myself. I am in the prime of my life, things were GREAT, and they had so much potential to be every greater. I also still had so much pain from having watched Deanna be engulfed by cancer, and to think that I had to go through a similar journey. All through the years I had in my mind that it would be too crazy for me to get cancer after Deanna. What were the chances? I felt safe that statistics were on my side, that the odds of me getting cancer were so slim. But alas, here I am. I got hit by the 0.25%. I suppose someone has to make up that small statistic, right?

I went back to the office to gather my things, hoping with every step I took that I wouldn’t bump into anyone I knew. Thankfully I was able to get up the elevator and into the office without any encounters. I was able to hold back the tears through deep breaths as I got to my desk and quietly packed up my things. It was around lunch time so desks were relatively empty, thank goodness. I got out and took the streetcar home. Sounds like an odd choice, but the thought of being alone in a cab with just the driver was not something I was able to handle in that moment. I was able to let the tears continually fall on the streetcar with nobody really paying attention. It was such a déjà vu experience for me, looking out the window, same as I had done when I found out about Deanna, thinking how life will never be the same after this moment.

I’ve decided to share my story for a lot of reasons. Some of the posts may not be for you, perhaps too much information, but I want them to be available for other young women going through what I am going through and to relate and maybe even reach out if they are courageous enough. I also want my posts to be for those of you who want to follow my story and seek updates, etc. I love so much all of the support I’ve been given. It’s truly amazing the capacity we have to be compassionate and supportive. It’s even the little things, like just a text message or an extra-long hug when you see the person. It doesn’t even matter what you say, the sentiment is there.

As I’ve learned too many times, you can’t control what happens to you, but you can control how you deal with it. I know this is not going to be easy, I know there are going to be days where I’ll want to give up, or stay in my bed for hours and do nothing, but I also know there are going to be a lot of days that will be beautiful and I have to be open to experiencing those beautiful days. It’s up to me whether I find the beauty or not and it’s up to me whether I turn this experience into something I can be proud of. The courage isn’t going to come instantly, it’ll be built over time, and so other’s encouragement and support is so important to me and has helped me keep my spirits up. Good spirits is the first step in fighting this.

More to come. I’ve got about 6-7 months ahead of me, along with a lifetime of change.

xoxo

PS. what are the chances that I started this blog 4 days before I found out? weird.