Ever since the global pandemic started mid-March, we have all experienced a wide array of feelings. I think it’s safe to say that we’re all on a constant rollercoaster with those feelings. Some days are good, some days are ok, and some days are not ok.
I added this photo because to me jumping off a dock into dark lake water is a level of uncertainty for me. Uncertainty creeps into our lives on a daily basis, but in some situations, it is much more emotionally and mentally consuming.
Having involuntarily gone through a major life upheaval, I’ve had a sufficient amount of time (or arguably, too much time) to dissect my feelings and thoughts and understand where the anxiety and the fear was and still is stemming from.
One might say “well, your anxiety and fear was because you had cancer?”. It’s really not that simple though.
Why does cancer result in SO much FEAR. I mean, seriously, there are so many bad things in this world that could happen to us at any time, yet say the words “I have cancer” to someone and they immediately tense up and show their fear and sadness for you.
In all of my deep thoughts on the topic, I have come to the conclusion that cancer brings so much fear and anxiety because it comes with endless and debilitating amounts of uncertainty.
I’m uncertain I chose the right surgery and treatment plan I’m uncertain that the cancer will come back I’m uncertain that if it does come back, will the treatment even work? I’m uncertain I’ll live another year, two years? Three years? ten years? I’m uncertain I’ll have major side effects from the chemo and radiation later in my life I’m uncertain I’ll be able to have children ….the list goes on.
Uncertainty brings along a lot of anxiety and crippling thoughts because instead of seeing a direct path, like one might see with a lot of things in life, cancer creates many roads in which you may, or may not, go down, and some of them can be unsettling unpleasant. How do you even prepare yourself for all of the “possible” roads? Do you numb your thoughts about the future? Do you let anxiety cast a dark shadow over your daily life? Do you vulnerability choose positivity?
So it's my theory that when COVID-19 struck the globe in March and everything fell apart, all of a sudden the world was left with an unmanageable amount of uncertainty. This uncertainty has then developed into a rollercoaster ride of anxiety, fear and intense emotions.
Perhaps there was/is uncertainty surrounding whether you would have your job, pay rent, travel, see loved ones, have loved ones get sick (or see them succumb to the virus). There was (and still is) so much uncertainty regarding how any of us will react to the virus (terrible reaction, moderate reaction, or completely a-symptomatic). There is uncertainty of whether we’ll ever get back to life “pre-COVID”. What will social interactions look like in the future? So. Much. Uncertainty.
All of a sudden, we were forced to experience the anxiety and fear that comes with uncertainty, with a lot of us not even knowing the foundation of that anxiety and fear. A lot of us were stuck trying to navigate and manage (probably eventually numb) our emotions on a daily basis so we could simply function.
It was frustrating to understand that uncertainty of this magnitude was back in my life again, after having thought I’d seen the peak of what it could do to me. To think that in a short time span of two years I now have gone through two major experiences of having life come to a halt. What’s interesting, and perhaps the silver lining, is that this time I wasn’t alone. I realized how much support and understanding came from knowing that we were all in it together.
I wish I could tell you how I magically dealt with it and came out on top, but I still struggle with the anxiety and fear associated to cancer almost every day. Most recently, yesterday, I had a bout of deep thoughts on re-occurance and I had to just let myself cry.
What gets me through the days where the thoughts creep in too far, is to remind myself to stay in the moment. To do my best I can with the time I have and to realize that a minute more that I spend thinking about my uncertain future, is a minute I lose from my actual existing present. When I put it in that context for myself, it creates a very black and white decision for me.
We can’t control what we don’t know, and even more so, we can’t control what we don’t know we don’t know. I think there are a lot of very unfortunate issues that have arisen from COVID-19, but I do think that there are some positives. I think this has awaken us to understand how important our basic needs are and to focus on health, love, family, and to put less focus, anxiety and fear on the things we can’t control - because in the end, i think what we'll find is that will ultimately be what unravels us, with COVID-19 being a close second.
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