The day finally came where I could proudly ring the “Bravery Bell”. I finished my 8th and final round of chemotherapy on July 25th, 2018!
On that first dreary day back in April when I walked into the Chemo Day Care, I remember sitting with the nurse and her telling me about this exciting bell that I would get to ring once I was done. At the time that felt like a century away, almost another lifetime. It made me so emotional hearing her talk about the distant future of the day I’d finally get to ring it because I was about to dive into the unknown, wondering if I’d come out of it as the same person I went into it as. To me it felt like that was the last day of being the Diana I knew, and by the time the bell came around, I’d be someone else. It makes me emotional writing that because I just want to step back in time and tell my scared self that Diana would in fact be waiting for her on the other side.
The anxiety I felt that first day was nothing I’d ever experienced before. The fear of the unknown hadn’t hit me so hard in life before. Up until that point, I was always in control, one step ahead, and generally always being able to predict every situation. I hate to think back to those days of uncertainty – my poor fragile self, trying to figure out what chemo was going to do to me, wondering all the while if I truly was going to lose myself through all of this. Over the course of the last 16 weeks though, these intense emotions finally softened as I learned how to get through the ebbs and flows of each round, understanding which days would be the worst, and getting past my fears of intolerable pain/discomfort.
When I look back through all of my blog posts, I travel back in time to the girl that wrote them and I start to appreciate how far I’ve come. Fears that overtook me in those earlier days have either never been realized or they eventually evolved into things I have now overcome, with the “fear” aspect of it behind me. I wrote multiple times of fearing I’d “lose myself” through this process. While I maybe have lost the “pre-cancer Diana” to some degree, I have more than made up for that by finding a new self. A self that I didn’t even know needed finding and I opened my eyes to aspects of my life I took for granted. I also was pleasantly surprised by how I was able to fight through each chemo round and get on the other side to have a few days in between rounds to get back to things I loved, including exercise, friends, food, and fun!
It’s hard to believe that I ever feared the idea of wearing my headwraps and wig in public. I strut those headwraps now like they’re the new fashion! I can’t lie though, it was, and continues to be, a struggle to convince myself that I don’t need to care what everyone else thinks.
On a regular basis I fight the urge to care with a conversation to myself in front of the mirror. Why is it so hard to not give a shit?? Why does it matter if people stare? I caught myself doing this the other day – I had to go to the grocery store but I have negative eyelashes. Do I spend 15 minutes putting them on? But why! I looked hard at myself in the mirror that day and eventually said “I don’t care today – we’re doing this”. It’s a liberating feeling each time I’ve made the tough call of not caring and I hope it gives me the courage to continue stepping out of my comfort zone, now with the understanding that LIFE GOES ON (seriously – it really does).
Last Round!
Oddly enough, I was a little apprehensive going into my last round. I couldn’t quite hang my hat on what exactly made me feel that way. Was it that it had been so long that it didn’t feel like it was over? Was I too focused on the fact that maybe this wasn’t my last round, and that by investing my emotions into the concept of the word “last” I was creating anxiety for myself? Or was the dark shadow of getting through the side effects too much for me to have the excitement of celebrating my last chemo visit? Either way, I didn’t start off by seeing the day as overly special. When I walked into the Chemo Day Care though, it did lift my spirits a bit knowing that I wouldn’t have to be back there (ever?…… sshhhhh my conscience didn’t hear me say that).
I had a perfect team with me that day! I was accompanied by Mark who has been with me every step of the way and is a constant ray of sunshine. I also had two of my best friends, Heather and Laura, who have both been the definition of amazing throughout this entire journey. If only I could have had Alba there, that really would have been the cherry on the cake! (I’d have to think that would be against all health codes though). We killed the time by chatting, ordering food, and playing a game. Seeing that bag of drugs get smaller and smaller was also a pretty great feeling!
Finally the bag was emptied and I got my IV taken out of me. I felt a jolt of freedom in that moment, knowing I wouldn’t be hooked up to that machine again any time soon. I could feel myself getting closer to excitement as everything that was happening seemed to be a handful of “lasts”. Once I was unplugged, I hurried off to the bathroom (the idea of me taking that pole to the bathroom with me was too unappealing so I held my bladder to the end!). When I got back from the bathroom, Heather was excitedly waiting for me….. as I turned the corner, I saw a whole line of some of my best friends anxiously waiting for me! With bouquet and balloons in hands, and some watery eyes, they had all shown up and surprised me just in time for me to ring the bell. My heart could have burst!
I wasted no time in marching over to that bell and gave it a nice big ring. All my friends cheered and clapped, with also some distant cheering and clapping coming from down the hall. Some nurses had gotten up to see, as well as some patients joining in, and they were all part of the celebration!
I instantly felt a jolt of happiness go through me, surprising me with some tears I couldn’t fight back. It took until that moment for me to truly appreciate the situation – to understand that I finally made it. The “distant future” that I had previously deemed that moment to be was here. The short lifetime of 16 weeks I endured was over. I was DONE. I was so thankful they all made that moment so special for me. I really needed it, more than I had realized.
We went back to Mark and I’s apartment and had a little celebration (turns out Mark had been in on the surprise as well!). I popped some champagne and we indulged in Mark’s amazing spread of cheeses, meats and dips (tell Mark he has to buy food for a party and he’ll rip around Loblaws like a pro). It was a great evening of laughs, chatting and some games. I couldn’t have asked for a better way to spend the day. While the next 5 days were looming, it was so nice to have celebration in order to start it off on a good note!
I’m now 7 days out of that last round of chemo and I almost feel back to myself. I’m still struggling with some side-effects but MAN does it feel good to be FREE. Every so often I get a burst of happiness run through my body as I remind myself that this good feeling is here to stay. I no longer have to plan my life around every other week, or missing out on things due to them falling on my bad weeks. While I still have to get through radiation, I finally feel like I am on the road to recovery. There is light at the end of the tunnel now for the chance to finally get back to being “me”! I also can’t help but feel extremely proud of myself. I managed to defy my fears and get through this better than I ever could have expected. While it doesn’t dismiss the fact that it was the most challenging thing I’ve EVER had to do – It now gives me a new confidence in myself. I know now that I have the strength to fight through adversity, I have a new badge of resilience I can now carry with me which eases my fears of the thought of “what’s to come” in this life I now have ahead of me – because I know I can take it on.
Until the moment that I rung the bell, I didn’t know that it was named “The Bravery Bell”. I was really touched by this, because as I looked across all of my friends and Mark’s faces, their energy told me how much they couldn’t believe that I finally made it to this moment – that I braved through it until the end.
My amazing friend, Laura McMillan, took all of my photos and it makes me emotional how beautifully she captured important moments of this journey for me. She captured moments that I didn't even realize were important to me until I saw the photo. I am so thankful for her incredible talent and also her amazing friendship.
You are amazing. What a beautiful post. So happy for you and know how much you sharing your journey has and will help others.