Step One: Get out of Bed

Throughout the past 4+ months since the time I heard the words “You have Breast Cancer”, it has been my every day challenge to make sure that I get out of bed. From day 1 I knew that this seemingly simple step would either make it or break it for me and it scared me to think of the possibility that I wouldn’t be able to overcome it, and have to witness myself spiraling into a state of despair.

Through social media, news outlets and campaigns, and more importantly – our own experiences – we have been made acutely aware of how important mental health is. I’ve always believed in the powers of mental health (the good powers and the bad powers), having had experience with both. I went through a state of depression after Deanna passed away, which at the time was mixed with being burnt out from my Investment Banking co-op and mixed with a breakup at the time. It was my fourth year of University, the year that arguably matters the most, and up until that point I had pretty much straight A’s. The depression slowly took over though and I quickly started to watch my grades dip into the low C’s, with no ability to find the motivation to fix it. I would sleep through class, and some days not be able to get out of bed at all, or I would walk into an exam without having studied. I would beat myself up thinking that it was due to me not being smart enough, instead of realizing that I was actually just depressed. After graduation I remember crying while looking at my transcript, seeing the results of all the hard work I put into years 1-3 and then seeing how I ruined all of it by that stupid last year. After school was done, all my friends immediately got jobs and started their careers, but due to my state of mind and well-being, I decided to take 9 months off and just give myself a much needed break. (Best.decision.EVER).

I was at my lowest of lows and didn't know what else to do so I wrote this note to myself and put it in my coat pocket. Every time I put my hands in my pocket and felt it, it reminded me of my own encouragement and faith, that I was in fact going to be ok.

That last year of university was my first foray into the powers of mental health and what it can do to your whole life. It scared me how fast I went from 100 to 0, and without that 9 month break after school, my mental health probably would have continued to sabotage more of my life. By the time I entered the work force (in a job that started my career) in May 2012, I felt I had finally recovered and was ready to be the Diana I knew. After that terrible year and a half of my life though, it terrified me to think I could ever experience that again knowing how it could ruin me.

For years after that I constantly was on edge that something in my life would go wrong because as far as I knew, I didn’t have the ability to cope. I kept friends at arms-length, never getting too close that I could get so hurt again if anything happened to them. I also made a pact with myself that I would be single for the foreseeable future, for the same reasons. If I could avoid getting hurt/broken again, then I could avoid depression which would preserve all things positive in my life.

For the 7 years since that terrible time in my life, I have been so focused on the fear of “what if something happened again to someone I love?”, but I never considered the thought of “what if something happened to me?”. It’s not that I thought I was invincible (well maybe a little bit), but more so that first thought overtook my mind and didn’t allow me to realize the second thought. So when I got hit with the words “You have breast cancer”, I felt dumbfounded because I had never prepared myself for this moment. I had no idea how I’d deal/cope with it, and I certainly didn’t have some prior experience (of myself) that allowed me to have any idea of how this would all go and what my mind might do to me. All I knew though was I wasn’t going to make the same mistakes as before. This time things would be different. The unpleasant thought of being back in that dark place is enough motivation to make sure I would do everything in my power this time to steer clear.

First things first, I knew I HAD to get out of bed every day. And not just “eventually”, I needed to make sure I got out of bed early, got dressed, and was ready to start the day, no matter how crappy I felt. As simple as it sounds, it is one of the most difficult things to do while dealing with depression. This initial thought is what ultimately led me to adopt my sweet pup, Alba (but also because I LOVE dogs and it was the perfect time to take on the responsibility!). For anyone newly diagnosed with Cancer, or any other severe diagnosis, I HIGHLY recommend considering adopting a dog (preferably not a puppy though). Alba has been one my life’s best decisions. Not only is she totally wonderful, but she gets me out of bed every day before 9am and immediately outside for a walk regardless of whether its snowy, rainy or sunny. Would I have otherwise chosen to wake up and get outside before 9am – absolutely not. The best part is that I stay up after I take her out – I’m awake and ready to start the day. Getting back into bed is rare and has only happened maybe 3-5 times so far in the last four months. In addition to the morning walk, Alba gets me outside upwards of 4-5 times a day! It’s been such a blessing to get so much fresh air when I would have otherwise maybe not even stepped outside for days at a time (yes – days), and it also gets me socializing at the park with people in our neighborhood. I love it.

Exercise is a big one that I knew I would be challenged with. How does one find motivation to get outside and exercise while dealing with the demotivating aspects of cancer?!. It’s hard, I can tell you that much. Over the years I have learned that you never get back from a workout and say to yourself “ugh, I never should have done that. Now I feel more crappy AND more lazy” – never happens. You get back from a work out and are so THANKFUL that you went. I am constantly reminding myself of that thought when I sit on my couch and tell myself “hmm, not today, maybe tomorrow?”. The idea that I think I’ll have a different perspective “tomorrow” is always comical to me. Why would I possibly think that tomorrow I’ll feel differently and instead say “ok, today is the day!”. Let’s be real – that rarely, if ever, happens. Tomorrow still always ends up being “hmm, not today, maybe tomorrow?”, and so on. I do admit though that anyone going through chemotherapy does have a couple get-out-of-jail-free cards on this one because the shitty days really are too shitty to work out!

Having Alba getting me up early in the morning helps me steer clear from any lethargic feelings, leaving me motivated to seize the day. I find this has helped me a lot in finding the motivation to get me off the couch and either doing yoga, walking or, if I’m feeling good enough, biking. When I get back from any of these activities, I feel like I’ve been given a boost of energy. I then want to do more on that day – maybe go get groceries and make dinner, maybe I’ll clean the apartment, do some work on my computer, etc. I can’t tell you how thankful I am to be able to continue my exercising. Without it, I know I’d be a lump on a log. Additionally, the activities are precious times in my day where I get to feel like myself again. I let myself forget that I’m bald, or forget that in however many days, I’ll be going back to the hospital for more chemo and start the shittiness all over again.

While I’m only 4 months into this journey of mine, I can confidently say that I have, for the most part, overcome my fears of dipping back into depression. I am so thankful that my determination to not get back into that dark place has provided me the motivation to get out of bed each morning and has given me the energy to make healthy and positive choices. I truly believe that my chemo side effects would be 100 times worse if I let my mind take me into despair. Everything would hurt more and leave me in a debilitated, lethargic state. I know for a fact it would because it’s happened to me before when I didn’t even have to deal with the additional hardship of cancer and chemo! Having known this scary thought though is what made me realize that it could not happen this time. If I had any hope of getting through this, I had to be stronger.

You can’t help yourself do better or be better if you don’t get out of bed. So if you get hit with something in life that brings you down, you need to make sure you always have a way to get yourself out of that bed. It will allow you to continue to experience everything that’s beautiful in your life because you can’t let one negative aspect of your life ruin everything else.