I realize it’s been a while since my last blog post. In my defense though, I was feeling really good the last round after I hit about day 7, so I decided I’d live it up that week instead of writing. I assumed everyone would be ok with that!
I was hoping this post was going to be positive and I could tell you all about how I demolished the third round of chemo like I had done for the first two, however that is unfortunately not the case. I definitely had some strong moments but I would say the score on this third round is Chemo:10, Diana:2. I did get to visit the puppies though!!! Don’t worry, I will tell you ALL about that later on, including photos!
As I was saying, after about day 7 of the second round I felt GREAT. Actually though. I pretty much felt back to myself. I was going on long walks every day, I had downloaded an online Yoga class membership and was doing Yoga every day. I went out to dinners, I had friends visit, and I even got into some work! Things were going well and it helped me have positive spirits heading into my third round of chemo which I had on Wednesday May 16th.
Like the second round though, the chemo hit me hard that first day. I felt like shit. Hazy hangover feels. I felt so defeated because the day prior I had felt awesome and now this. It’s almost confusing. I have to pretty much remind myself that I can’t do things like I had the day prior – like play in the park with Alba, or run up the stairs. I have to also remind myself of things like – rinsing my mouth out because it gets so dry so fast, that the feeling in my stomach isn’t going away anytime soon, and making sure that I wash my hands 20 times a day so that I don’t catch a virus and get a fever.
At first it felt great to say “3 down, 5 to go!”, but now that feels so heavy. I have 5 MORE?! So when I get halfway, I have to do that many all over again?! My glass quickly goes from half full to half empty. I’ve been noticing that frustration has been a more frequent visitor lately. Some days I’m not really phased when I’m looking at myself in the mirror and see the person looking back at me – “ok, yes this is my reality”, but then there are moments where I am taken aback. Saturday night of the long weekend was one of those moments. I was feeling pretty crappy and I found myself standing over my sink in the bathroom taking a wet wash cloth over my head to get off all of the stubborn hairs that hadn’t fallen out yet. In that moment I looked at myself and said “why is this my life right now? When did this happen? To think of what I’d otherwise be doing right now, or more so what I should otherwise be doing right now”. Those moments suck. It’s like I’m waking up from a nightmare but then I don’t have the pleasure of finding out that It was just a nightmare. To THINK that this weekend last year I was in VEGAS having no worries in the world. I’m so jealous of my past self.
The recovery on the third round felt slower. The full body pain that I got on Day 4 the last round, was there again like clockwork on Day 4 this round, however this time it lasted into day 5 and even the morning of day 6. Last round I was able to take a long 2 hour walk on Day 6 and it felt great, this time I went for a walk with Mark and Alba and it was a lot of effort. And this leads me into my unfortunate event….
Yesterday (Day 6), Mark and I decided to take Alba for a walk down Queen West and through Trinity Bellwoods. I felt fine but definitely lower energy than I would have liked. We walked for quite a while and then decided to loop back on Queen so Mark could check out a store. I had felt a bit parched but nothing too concerning, it also wasn't hot out so all seemed fine. While he was in the store, I sat on a bench and drank some ice tea with Alba. As I sat there though I started to feel a wave of shittiness. It’s hard to describe what it felt like, but it just felt straight up crappy and my breathing started to become challenging. Mark came back out and sat with me but I knew I couldn’t stand up. Any position I put myself in didn’t help. The feeling got stronger and stronger. I felt like I could either puke, pass-out, or something else bad. I think I even managed to say "something bad is going to happen". Last thing I remember was I leaned into Mark to try as best as I could to relieve the feeling. Apparently right after that, I was lights out. Thankfully we were sitting on a bench so when I passed out I slowly fell away from him and he was able to catch me and place me lying down on the bench. I remember coming-to and feeling extremely weak, and not being able to breathe properly. People were coming up to us asking if we needed help and then it finally occurred to me that I had in-fact passed out.
Mark did an amazing job of staying calm, comforting me and calling an ambulance. The people around us were really helpful too and offered to hold Alba while Mark helped me. I had been wearing my headwrap and so to help cool me down, Mark had taken it off. So there I was, the most exposed I had ever been, lying down on a bench on Queen West as a patchy bald cancer girl passed out. Great. Saddest sob story Queen West saw that day, I'm sure. What’s worse is the ambulance came and they put me on one of those intense dramatic stretchers and proceeded to wheel me down Queen West to the ambulance. Of course it was one of the busiest days of the year with people everywhere. I couldn’t look at anyone out of total humiliation so I just kept my eyes down and hoped to get into the ambulance as fast as possible.
I was so worried that I was going to be taken in the ambulance by myself since Mark had to take Alba. Thankfully though Mark's best friends, Tom and Tyler managed to run 3-4 blocks just in time to take Alba so that Mark could come with me. They are the best! Being in an ambulance was shitty enough, but to be there alone was not a level of shitty I wanted to experience.
This is me hooked up to every machine possible. Fun times. My semi-bald head made quite the appearance today. Although I'm proud to say that my eyebrows are on fleek ;)
I got taken to Toronto General ER and they proceeded to do a bunch of tests on me. If this had happened to me before cancer, I probably would have gone home and laid on my couch with some ice on my forehead. However since we’re dealing with the C word, everything is considered high risk and nobody wants to take any chances. What made matters worse is I had another spell of it while at the hospital. My breathing became restricted and it was a mixture of almost passing out and panic attack. That clearly didn't do me any favours of trying to wave this off as nothing.
The biggest thing they wanted to rule out was a blood clot in my lung. To do this they had to do a CT scan. I had an IV in my hand from the fluids they gave me so they decided to use that to put the CT dye in. They use the dye in order to see the blood flow through your lungs. For some reason, my hands have proven to be very sensitive to IVs, so when they put the dye through it was EXTREMELY painful. It basically felt like someone was cutting my hand open with a knife. I had to endure this for a full 10-15 seconds. It sounds short, but when something is that painful it feels WAY longer. When the dye goes in, it feels really warm running through your body. One of the main effects it has is you feel like you’ve peed your pants. Cool.
Mark got cold so he took one of the blankets and cloaked himself. He even walked down the hallways with the blanket on. It was nice to not be the only weirdo in the place with my bald head and hospital gown!
So after enduring ALL of this, they finally ruled out that I in fact did NOT have a blood clot. Phew!!! Through the scan they did however find nodules in my lungs, which can mean so many things (one of course is that they can be cancerous – GREAT, PACK IT ON TO EVERYTHING ELSE), oh but don’t worry that is in very “rare” cases. Mmhmm, I see….. so the same way breast cancer at 29 is rare? Ugh. I’ve since heard back from my Oncologist and they have decided not to pursue any further tests being that the odds are they are harmless, but they’ll follow up with a CT scan when all of my chemo is done just to see where they’re at. Those darn little nodule better scram.
It’s unfortunate that this post is so cynical and negative, but hey this is real life and this is what I’m going through so I figured I might as well be open about the good and the bad. On to Day 7, hoping things improve from here. I was hoping to do Yoga today but my hand hurts so much from the IV. My veins literally hurt down my hand and wrist. Have you ever said that your veins hurt? Probably not. This is new territory.
I promise my next post will be all positive. It’ll be about the puppies, so you can imagine….
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