Well I’ve made it 3 weeks post my last chemo. It was a pleasant experience when August 8th came around because that would have been the two week mark that I would have otherwise headed back into the chemo day care for another round of that awful chemical cocktail. Instead, I still had to go back to the hospital that day but this time for just a prep appointment for radiation. As I sat waiting for my appointment to start on the 2nd floor of Princess Margaret, I heard the Bravery Bell ring from the 4th floor, marking yet another brave soul who finished their journey of chemo. It was a very relieving feeling knowing that I had reached that finish line 2 weeks prior. It really hit me when Friday rolled around, and instead of me being half-dead in my bed, I was able to have a productive day and feeling like myself.
Life after the bell hasn’t been a walk in the park though. As much as it’s a HUGE relief, it has been challenging in ways that I hadn’t really prepared for. I was so focused on being done chemo that I hadn’t appreciated what life would be like after. First off I had to get through death row one last time, which was tough after celebrating the finale bell ringing. Since then, I’ve been struggling to get my energy levels back up and also to turn my brain on.
My brain just frankly isn’t working. The other day I couldn’t figure out how to spell the word “Delicious”. I started with “Delish” and I couldn’t figure out how I could get to “Delicious”. I tried “Delishes” and then I tried “Delishis” and then “Delishice”…. No joke, this actually happened. And it’s not like Word spellcheck could help me, because I kept going off of “Delish” so they were probably like WHAT is this girl trying to spell!!?? After a while I just gave up and tried to come up with a substitute word. I went with “yummy”. This is just a small example of the struggle I go through in trying to get my brain to work. Today I was trying to look up something on Best Buy, but for the life of me I couldn’t think of the store name. I had to google “electronics store in Canada” to finally figure it out….. sad sad sad. Don’t even get me started on trying to sling sentences together….. I generally have to re-write things and triple check things before I can be confident that they make sense (hence why my blog posts have been so sparse lately because it takes so much effort!). Thanks a lot #chemobrain.
I also am losing a considerable amount of patience with my lack of hair/eyelashes/eyebrows. I’m surprised I don’t have a measuring tape out every morning trying to figure out if it’s growing or not. I literally look in the mirror every day and try to see what progress the peach fuzz has made….what is this peach fuzz anyways? I don’t think I fully thought through that once chemo was done, I still would have to wait a long time before I don’t look like a chemo/cancer patient anymore. My guess is I won’t have much of any hairstyle until mid-November…. That’s ~4 more months of headwraps, wigs, drawing on eyebrows and gluing on eyelashes….how exhausting!! I need to start relaxing on this and accepting that this is going to be my life for a long while yet. But whyyyyyy.
I can’t tell you how much I miss that FRESH feeling after a shower when your hair has just been washed, blowdried and styled. UGH I miss it soooo much. I even miss the smell of shampoo and conditioner. I washed my wig the other day and I was jealous of it…. Jealous of my wig!! What is this life I live? To many people’s surprise, I actually really miss the sacred time I used to have while blowdrying and straightening my hair…. All 45 minutes of it! It was time I got to reflect and collect my thoughts. It was therapeutic to me. I also miss my buns and pony tails and the ability to style my hair. GAH, I need to stop writing about it because it’s frustrating me.
Moving on…..
What has been positive lately?.... hmmm
Well I can eat sushi soon.... that’s exciting. I’m looking forward to going back to my local sushi spot and ordering my usual combo and have them say “Diana!” as I walk in to pick up my food. They probably thought I died. I used to pick up sushi there almost once a week. I’d call to make my order and they would know who I was based on the repetitiveness of what I got…. As I write this I am wondering if I even had much of a life? Sometimes I’d get the surprise free handroll or something. I think when I finally get to order from them again they’ll be happy to know that I haven’t actually died….”Diana! you’re alive!”… imagine?
I’m now moving on to the last leg of my treatment which is also exciting. Radiation here I come! Hmm, on second thought nothing exciting about that except for the prospect of it being over. Yesterday I went into the hospital for another prep appointment. Because the radiation will be directed at my breast, there is a risk of it affecting the nearby organs, such as my lungs and especially my heart. For this reason, I am taught a breathing technique to push my heart away from the area. To do this I have to have a plastic clip over my nose and a snorkel-like tube in my mouth. I’ll be in a lying down position and in my hand I’ll have an emergency button (I can imagine a lot of you are sensing a panic-like sensation right now reading this?). Essentially your lungs are attached to the wall of your chest, so there is unfortunately no chance to move them further away from the area, however your heart can move. The idea is for me to take a large breath in, expanding my lungs, and hold the breath which causes my heart to move the furthest away possible from my breast. Therefore I have to hold my breath as the radiation is being administered.
They had me do test runs of it to see how long I could hold my breath. If there is one thing that I got out of all my years of being a competitive swimmer, it’s some bad ass breath holding abilities. The Doctor asked me to hold my breath for as long as I could. Easy peasy…..20 seconds, 30 seconds, 40 seconds….. I was planning on going for a while but after a minute he stopped it himself and said “ok so I see you can hold your breath!”….. hells yes I can, any more tests I can ace today???? #minivictories. Turns out because I can hold my breath for so long, the administration will be a lot fatster. I’ll be holding it for 40 seconds at a time for 4-5 rounds. For all of you that are panicking by this situation, not only will I be restricted from breathing, but I will also be in a small claustrophobic tube….take that #fearfactor. Safe to say I’ll be glad when this is OVER.
Additionally in the appointment I got 4 tattoos. Who would have thought that my first tattoo ever would be because I got cancer. I now have freckle like dots marking a square on my chest. Instead of brown, like a normal freckle though, they are blue. So now I have unwanted blue dots on me for the rest of my life. Cool.
The dots help guide the Doctor to administer the radiation in the same spot each time given I’ll be having it every day for 20 days. If you are extremely vigilant in keeping up with my treatment plan you might say “wait, I thought you said you were doing 21 days of radiation?”…. Well let me tell you – that was the case but turns out the genius science people figured out that the 5 extra targeted treatments I was supposed to get (because I’m young) are the same as 4 targeted treatments now, so they dropped 1 treatment. #winning. A perfect example of how slow and small progress is in cancer research. But important to note that over time, these small improvements have resulted in much larger reductions in required treatment. So we really are #winning in the long-run.
So yeah, that’s been life after the bell for me so far. I also had my first glass of wine in a lonnngggg time the other day. Man did that taste good!!! Because of cancer I’ll be working through the mental fight of drinking alcohol for the next 50+ years, but thankfully marijuana is becoming legal on October 17th….. don’t judge me, I’m merely putting it out there that options are expanding…. I HAVE CANCER, give a girl a break.
Commentaires