I am excited to say that I finally got to my post-cancer treatment cycle class at Ride! I was apprehensive going back mostly because it was a heavy thought knowing that the last time I was there was right before I started my terrible chemo journey. It was Tuesday, April 17th, two days prior to my first chemo and I had gone to Ride to find some refuge before that dooming day. I remember I pushed it extra hard that class, making sure I made the most of it. At the end of the class, I couldn’t help but let some tears fall, dwelling on the thought of how much uncertainty there was in how I was going to recover once treatment was done. For all I knew, I’d be a different person at the end of it, having to relearn who I was and relearn my life.
Fast forward 6 months and here I am walking back into the cycle studio not only feeling up for the challenge after having finished chemo barely 3 months prior and radiation only 1 month prior, but I’m feeling like ME again.
Despite feeling great, I walked in thinking about my buzz cut and let that consume my thoughts for a period of time, trying not to look at anyone in case I felt some lingering eyes that seem to call out “what’s your story?”. But then all of a sudden I said to myself, “WHY in the world are you focusing on THIS thought?! if anything you should be PROUD that you’re here!”. From that moment on, I held my head high and walked into the cycle room with extra pep in my step. It was comical to me though when I got my bike all set up and was sitting ready for the class to start because I took a look at myself in the mirror and almost laughed out loud at what was looking back at me. I looked SO BAD ASS. I was wearing all black and then had my short buzzed hair. I found it hilarious because it occurred to me how unaware I continue to be of the intensity I give off from my new hairstyle.
The class was the perfect complement to my month of recovery, and while I was on the bike I had an amazing “aha” moment where I said to myself “I’m back”.
If someone had told me that I’d be back at my cycle studio this early after treatment AND feeling back to myself, I would have told them they were crazy. I have been pleasantly surprised of how well I have been able to put pieces of my life back together. It’s a reassuring reminder that as much as my life got turned upside down, I had the ability to persevere and come out strong on the other side of all of this. It gives me faith in myself for the next big thing to hit me in this long life I have ahead of me, and I hope it gives you faith that you have the ability also.
Back to Work
I am happy to note that my brain most definitely works again! I returned back to work on September 4th and have been doing half days so far. At first I was working in the morning and heading to my radiation appointments in the afternoon, but now I am finally DONE treatment, which alleviates a lot of stress. I get into the office around 8:30ish and I’ve been leaving around 2pm or so. It has been such a great way to ease into things and gives me an opportunity to take a break when I need it. I generally have been coming home and continuing to work, but when a day comes around where I feel off, I have the ability to put work aside and give myself the time to relax and recharge. Not only has it kept my stress at manageable levels, but I’ve noticed that it has helped me stay productive, and I use my time at the office more efficiently (perhaps a case study to propose that everyone starts working half days?.....).
Off days are hard for me because on the surface I look perfectly fine, and to anyone seeing me that day, you would never know. I find that makes the off-days even harder though. A silent struggle. I had one of these days last week. I had an ultra sound appointment at 9am on a weekday for my ovaries. They had been causing me some pain after chemo which got me concerned. My Oncologist booked me an ultrasound to see what was going on. For this exam, I couldn’t drink water 4 hours prior, which sounds fine, but I drink so much water regularly that even going one hour without water makes me feel so dehydrated.
So not only did I have headaches from feeling dehydrated but I had to wait in the Toronto General hospital ultra sound waiting room (crowded with old people – as per usual) for an hour and a half – what else is knew. Then after an uncomfortable exam, while feeling waves of PTSD from being back in a hospital, I then go back to my office and try to forget about it and go on with my day. It’s not exactly a recipe for a good day, that’s for sure. These are the times when I especially need the break in the afternoon. I am beyond thankful that my work has been so accommodating to me, it has been such a blessing.
Tamoxifen & Zoladex Update
So it’s been about 2 months that I’ve been on both Zoladex and Tamoxifen. Other than some minor issues which went away after the first week or so, I haven’t really had much of any side-effects. I don’t know if it’s just too early in the game to know, but I’m really hoping things stay this way!
While super minor, the things I have noticed (but could also be for other reasons unrelated to the drugs) have been:
I feel slightly groggy in the mornings, but nothing deal-breaking so far
My knees get a bit stiff/sore if I’m sitting for too long
I've had some minor mood swings, but generally I'm able to snap out of it
I thankfully haven’t noticed any weight gain (....yet), but I’ve also been very cautious about eating healthy. I’ve been dabbling in intermittent fasting which I find has helped a lot – not only to avoid unwanted weight gain but also find it helps me feel better during the day (physically and mentally), which has been an added benefit.
In conclusion, I am thankful to be able to say that it has been so far so good!
Comentários