Have you been to Isolation Island?

Warning! This isn't a positive post. Sometimes I just need to be real with you all (y'all?), so here it is. If you want to skip down to some positive-ish talk instead, skroll to "Ok, here is some positive talk"

Shortly after I was diagnosed, a friend of mine bought me a book that was written by a Breast Cancer fighter. The book went into a lot of detail of that person’s experience (which now looking back was A LOT to take in on those early days – I would recommend maybe not diving into Chemo & Radiation side effects that early). One of the chapters in the book that really stood out to me was titled “Isolation Island”. This title caught me off guard because I wouldn’t have initially thought of this as being a major aspect of having cancer. In the early days, you’re so caught up with physical side effects that you don’t really put your thoughts to the mental/emotional side effects.

Fast forward a year later and I can tell you that “Isolation” has been one of my most difficult struggles in the entire process. It is also a “forever” struggle that I know I’m going to have to deal with likely for the rest of my life. Why? Because cancer changes everything about your life and no one understands except for YOU and YOU ONLY. Yes, people are going to try to create parallels in their own lives and try to relate, but no one truly gets it. So that leaves you alone, very alone.

Your friend who explains they also has a friend or a friend of a friend who had cancer, is never going to understand what it’s like to actually lose her own hair and have to slowly wait for it grow back. She’s also never going to truly understand the level of anxiety one feels every day after being diagnosed with cancer, or the real and annoying side effects of post-treatment drugs (and these are just naming a FEW). She may think she knows or at least can imagine what it may feel like, but she doesn’t, and the person who is acutely aware of this “understanding gap” is yourself. This then places you on your own little Isolation Island. And let's be clear, this is to NO fault of theirs! this is just how it is, plain and simple - I had cancer, they didn't. It creates an undeniable gap.

Thoughts that continuously circle in my mind on a regular basis are (and in no particular order or context):

• Hmm I have some back pain today – is that cancer?

• Headache – cancer?

• Will I be able to have children?

• Is it selfish of me to want a family knowing the cancer could come back and then my kids have to grow up without me? (heavy one, but real)

• How many drinks have I had tonight? 3? Or was it 4? Should I have one more? Maybe/Maybe not?

• Am I eating well? Do I need some more vitamins? How much? which ones?

• Am I too stressed? How do I know what is too much?

• Should I fit in another trip this year? I may not be able to go if I get sick again

• At what point do I need to be worried about long-term chemo/radiation side effects?

• I miss my hair. a lot.

……and this is a very short list.

You can imagine it would be exhausting to have to explain to anyone all of these thoughts on a regular basis. So instead, I just hang out on my little island having to let these thoughts come and go as they please, whenever I get triggered – which seems to be daily by something.

The other day I was on the phone with my internet provider and the guy was telling me about my contract terms and he said “we will call you in June 2021 to renew your contract”...... No word of a lie, the first thought that came into my head was “will I even be alive then?”.

.......You might wonder what it feels like when this kind of a thought hits me. Well I'll tell you - It’s somewhat of a mixture of a jolt of anxiety with a sense of numbness. My body reacts with the jolt of “omg – what if?”, and then quickly follows with an urging numb feeling of “let it go, otherwise you might not get through today with that thought hanging over you”. I then attempt to just go on with my day. This sort of thing happens over and over again and in any given situation and at any time.

I find I especially struggle in situations where I have a direct comparison to my former life, therefore enhancing how different my life is now. This happened recently when I was out with friends, partying at places that I used to when I was my former, non-cancer self. That night, like every night these days, I was dedicated to counting my drinks. With each drink I had though, everyone was at least 5 ahead of me. I then started contemplating having more….. but at what cost – My life? So there I stood, in the middle of the dancefloor, lost in my own heavy thoughts of “more drinks vs. cancer”, while everyone around me had no cares in the world. So not only was I deep in unfathomable thoughts that no one understands, but I’m also on an entirely different level than all of my friends – further reminding me of my misfortune.

So after ALL of this, I then decide to go home, which was even MORE upsetting because the drinks that I had carefully counted WEREN’T EVEN WORTH IT. This then sent me into a spiral of despair and I spent the rest of the night crying on my bathroom floor. Thankfully after this I had a moisturizing face mask that I put on and it was GOLD – highly recommend after a good cry.

……and this is the type of situation that noone understands and I have to struggle through it myself and hopefully get out on the other side.

Yes folks, THIS is the reality of post-cancer recovery. It’s not pretty and it’s not easy. I may make it look easy sometimes, but it’s not. Safe to say this is something that I’m working on.

Ok, Here is Some Positive Talk:

ON THE OTHER SIDE though, I then ask myself – do I even want to be doing these things? Do I really want to be putting alcohol in my body knowing that it’s not good for me and then waking up the next day feeling like I’ve joined the zombie tribe? I thoroughly enjoy feeling good and healthy on a regular basis, so in some ways this whole experience has woken me up to how much alcohol I needed to cut out of my life.

Silver lining? Maybe, just maybe.

You might be wondering “why is she sharing all of this?”, well it feels like a step in the right direction to get off my island of isolation….

I like to be able to do posts that are positive and uplifting, but I think it’s also important to be real about the struggles because I would never want someone to think that the word “easy” would even be in the same galaxy as the word “cancer”. I also find that the more I stay on the side of positive, the more I actually isolate myself further because the reality is I don’t feel positive all the time and that creates a gap in your understanding of what it is I’m going through.

One of the major aspects I've learned about this experience, is to just let the feelings come when they come and accept them and fully acknowledge them no matter what they are. Whether that be sadness, happiness, anger, grief, love, etc. They all need to be welcomed in with open arms. If you can accept the vulnerability and welcome in sadness or grief, it allows each feeling/emotion to be consciously felt and addressed, leaving more room in your heart for the positive emotions like happiness and love. If you let sadness and grief stay there like unwelcomed guests, they will just permanently be there in the shadows waiting to pounce on any happiness that comes through, almost like a sneak attack - and you won't even know how or why.

I've learned all of this the hard way, (which I feel like most of us will) and if I'm being honest - I'm still very much working on it. A post like this is a way for me to let out my negative thoughts and hopefully consciously address them. Thanks for being there for me :)