First round woes.

So I got to day 4 post-chemo. It’s early in the game but nevertheless, it feels like an achievement. Things were going rather ok through days 1 and 2. One of the meds that I have to take for the nausea is a steroid so it actually can give you some energy. I don’t know if that was why, but I was feeling pretty good on day 2. I was up and about, making breakfast, hanging out with my girlfriend Heather who came to be with me that day. I almost felt like I could have gone and done a work out class. I was surprised with how well I was doing.

Day 3 hit like a wall of bricks though. I woke up in the middle of the night feeling extremely nauseous. The problem with nausea is that it doesn’t have to turn into puking for it to be awful. It’s the constant nagging feeling in your stomach that will keep your mind on only that feeling for long agonizing hours. Hours that you should be sleeping, or doing absolutely anything else. One thing that I have been experimenting with through this so far has been essential oils. At this point, I’m willing to try just about anything to make this whole process better for myself, but I do actually think that essential oils have powers to heal and to help (even if it’s just placebo), and act as a gentle natural complement to my chemical cocktail of treatment. I went to Sage and I bought the Sleep Well roller which has chamomile, jasmine and orange in it, and I have been rubbing that on my feet before bed. I then bought the Peppermint Halo roller which I roll onto my temple and down the back of my neck, also before bed. These two oils helped me have a full sleep the night prior to my first chemotherapy cycle, as well as each night after – which is actually really important to note because as I mentioned above, one of the drugs I took is a steroid, so it can cause insomnia. I was really worried that I would be too anxious to get a good night’s sleep, and Diana + no sleep = not a good situation! Whether it was the oils or not, I am grateful for any placebo effect they had!

For the nights of day 1, 2 and 3, I did the same routine but also added the Eater’s Digest roller which is a mix of Fennel, Chamomile and Peppermint. I rolled it onto my stomach before bed and also in the middle of the night if I woke up feeling nauseous. Whether or not these oils have any actual internal effect on me, they provided a cooling/refreshing feeling on my skin which diverted my attention from the nausea and general upset feeling. The refocusing of my attention was key in getting me back to sleep. It was especially key on the night of Day 2 when the nausea was the worst. I additionally rolled peppermint on my temple and back on my neck in the middle of the night, and that also was strong enough to further refocus my attention. In addition to the rollers, I also keep my diffuser on for most of the day with a mix between immune oils and peaceful/relaxing oils and I also use the small rollers (Energy & Stress) to help with the after effects of crying, headaches, and overall stress. I sincerely believe they are helping! I’m going to continue using them and will report back!

It does worry me that this is only the tip of the iceberg and that my physical side effects are only going to become stronger as each cycle goes by, but at the same time I am relieved to have gotten through the first round and now know which days are likely going to be the worst, and how I can cope. The level of anxiety I had not knowing what to expect or how my body was going to react was a huge weight on my shoulders. While it’s not totally relieved, I definitely think I will go into the next round stronger and hopefully with less anxiety.

One aspect that was extra prominent this round (which may stick around for good, but I’ll work on it), is the emotional aspect. The first round of chemo for me was extremely emotional. I think that feeling lingered through these past 4 days, compounding onto my physical side effects, and making everything feel a lot worse than it actually was. The first chemo round is the part of this that says “ok this is the real deal, Diana”. I can’t tell you how many times throughout the last two months my mind kept going to these places with crazy thoughts like “ok, common, when are we going to realize that this is all some massive mistake and I’m totally fine and healthy?”……. or “maybe after surgery, when they’ve removed the tumour, they’ll find out that it wasn’t even cancerous and all of this was a huge false negative situation?! That happens right?!”. It all just didn’t seem real. But chemo is real. Feeling physically sick is real. And when I lose my hair in the next week – that will also be real. All of a sudden my internal fight becomes external, and there is no hiding it anymore, no convincing myself this is all some sort of torturous joke. The emotional weight clung to me these last 4 days, making it extra hard to get out of bed, to be present in the moment, and to try to escape my situation, even for a few minutes. It was these moments when I was extra thankful for Alba to take me outside, and for my amazing boyfriend and friends that got me up doing things. Whether I can’t shake any of the feelings off, at least I’m outside in the sunshine feeling shitty, then in my bed feeling shitty.

So this hair thing – ugh what a drag! Why of all the things is my hair upsetting me the most? It drives me crazy. What about the rest of my body?! My hair is such a cosmetic aspect of all of this. While I admit it truly is important to me and is part of my identity – it’s going to come back!! The thought of it has been dragging me down. I almost just want to rip the Band-Aid now and get it over with. Worrying about it falling out is causing me so much stress. Last night I literally started crying because I wanted to wash my hair but I was too scared that some of it would fall out. Why am I doing this to myself! I finally washed it and everything was fine - apparently your hair doesn't fall out until day 8-10, but of course I think I'm abnormal. I’m normally pretty aggressive with my hair (because it is quite aggressive back), so my hair does come out on my brush, or while I’m blow drying or straightening – and I never cared! Now all of a sudden one strand comes out and I’m ready to break. Looking at it has become hard too – I think I just need it gone so I can move on from this anxiety. As of right now, this Friday is my haircut – stay tuned.

The loss of hair does create a whole new experience for me though, externally. I now have to accept the fact that I will involuntarily be informing people of my situation. Whether it’s that people notice I’m wearing a wig, or I decide to wear one of the beautiful head wraps I bought – I scream cancer. It doesn’t matter how good I look, I have the word “cancer” all of over me, and that affects people. You have to deal with unwelcomed looks, comments. All of sudden people may be put on the spot and feel the need to say something. I’m no one to judge what people say, I know what it’s like to not know what to say, and the effect that cancer can have on your emotions, but that doesn’t mean that every day I’ll be ready to hear it, or up for the conversation. I know I’ll have to coach myself through that. And who knows, maybe it’ll be better then I expect. Maybe it’ll even give me special moments of empathy and beautiful comments/gestures from people. For that, I know it’s important that I be open to all of it.

Cancer is almost like a universal language of humanity. People get struck with the word cancer, and they experience feelings they haven’t felt before. Sometimes you can see the word change people on the spot. Sometimes it’s beautiful and you cherish the fact that you can spread the realness of humanity into the world – although of course all the while wishing that it isn’t you that has to represent the word. Through this journey I’m going to have to find a new self-love for myself, entirely internal, and entirely unconditional. Only I can find it. But don’t forget that while I need to discover it, you can all bring it out for me and help me get there :) Hopefully in a short while you might find me at Trinity Bellwoods rocking one of my beautiful headwraps, with no care in the world other than enjoying the sunshine and my friends! That is where I hope I get to.

A million thank yous to my incredible boyfriend who has been a gleam of light and source of laughs through this so far. And also to my amazing girlfriends for all of their help in offering their company, prepared meals and dropping them off. You are all HEROS. To arranging schedules, and going way out of their way to make sure that I am taken care of. You girls are everything. Below is a photo of a beautiful blanket my girlfriends put together for me. I could write an entire full blog post about what the number 173 means to all of us. We’ve been through too much too young, but nevertheless we always have each other’s backs and they are the best girl tribe/support team I could ever ask for (and the girl tribe goes beyond 173 and includes so many beautiful people!). Thank you!