Deanna (Pt. 2)

I appreciate everyone's kind words in response to the first post that I wrote. It was hard to post, but I do see the importance of me sharing my experience, and I hope that in the process of doing this, I can help anyone else going through any sort of struggle in your life. We can't control what hits us in life, but what we can control is how we deal with it. With that being said though, the truth is that there is no right or wrong way to deal with it. It becomes a journey and you learn along the way. You cannot ever feel guilty (I learned this the hard way) and you cannot ever feel regret (also learned this the hard way). Those two feelings are not your friends. Stay in the present moment and go from there. What matters is what you decide to do tomorrow and the next day.

After her relapse in July 2010 (7 months after she had been diagnosed), Deanna’s situation had progressively gotten worse, and the doctors were running out of ideas of how to combat the cancer. Her best option at this point was to head down to Seattle, Washington to be treated by a doctor who specialized in Deanna’s cancer, as well as her age group. It was hard to understand that she wasn’t going to be a drive away in Hamilton anymore, and instead across the country. At this time I had just started a Co-op job in Investment Banking and had moved down to Toronto. I was only 21 by this time and had taken on an extremely demanding job while also still trying to understand what was happening with Deanna and how I was handling it emotionally and mentally. The job immediately consumed my life, and I was working 15-18 hour days. I would get into work in the morning and my body would feel numb and confused because I had only slept 4 hours the night before. I was so junior as a co-op student so I didn’t know how to stand up for myself or leave when I needed to leave. I only left when I was finally dismissed (i.e. no one needed my help anymore) but sometimes that would be 2am or 3am in the morning. I remember getting back to my subletted apartment every night and just sitting on the bed, stunned. In order to survive the job, I had to leave my emotions behind. To this day when I think back to those dark moments, it makes me so sad for that 21 year old me, just trying to stay above water.

For so long I was so hard on myself because I regretted the way I had handled it all. I should have been stronger and made more of an effort to take more breaks and leave earlier so I could skype with Deanna or call her. Our conversations became more through text messages, and I’d make the odd call in one of the board rooms I sat near or from my apartment if I miraculously got back at a decent hour. The job made me so physically and emotionally numb. Some days I’d leave so late that I’d be locked in the building, having to search for a security guard to let me out. I didn’t tell anyone at work about Deanna because it would break down my walls and reveal too much about me, so I kept it a secret, silently struggling with it. I think at such a young age I didn’t realize that we’re all human, and we all are struggling with something. I wish I could go back and encourage myself to have treated myself better.

I remember the day I got the call at work, it was late October and Kristina called me to tell me that treatment wasn’t working for Deanna anymore, or that any new experimental treatment was going to be too aggressive. The decision had to be made to stop. The doctor’s had exhausted all possibilities and it was becoming too hard to Deanna to keep going. I broke. I knew in that moment, that no matter what, even if I had to quit my job, I was going to book a flight and see her that weekend. I remember having to build up the courage to go into my boss’s office and tell him so that I could ask him for the weekend off. Yes, the weekend. What I didn’t realize though, is that my boss had recently lost someone close to him from cancer, and while he was intimidating in the office, he was also a person that was hurting too. He looked at me and said “Diana, why are you asking me for the weekend off? You need to go and see your friend. Take Thursday and Friday off, whatever you need.” I’ll always remember that moment.

I booked my flight in time to be there for the day after Deanna’s birthday. It would have been amazing to have surprised her on her birthday, but the day after was just as good! I have some family friends that live in Seattle and they not only graciously let me stay with them but they also picked me up from the airport and drove me there and back from the hospital. It was so kind of them to take me under their wing and offer their support. I’m so thankful for that.

When I got to the hospital, I was definitely scared. I didn’t know if I had the ability to keep it together for her, I really didn’t want to upset her or to show her I was scared. Being strong for Deanna was extra hard this time because I was hurting too much. I walked into the hospital room and the energy was definitely different. It was hard for everyone to produce a smile when I walked in but even so, Deanna and her amazing family did anyways. Deanna’s room had been decorated with her favourite things, and gifts that everyone had given her. She always had her hospital room represent so much of her, with ballet photos, and pink pretty things. Her family made sure that she was as comfortable as she could be, which was so incredibly important and I think had a lot to do with keeping her spirits up. That day was really nice to post-celebrate Deanna’s birthday and just be there with her. I was so happy that I could put a smile on her face. Her family was always able to lighten the mood and their sense of humour was always the best. Somehow in those hospital rooms, time and time again, we were able to laugh and smile, which I personally believe was why Deanna was able to power through the lowest of lows but also have the energy and spirits to enjoy the good times.

The next day was hard. We had decided that it was the one day we were allowed to just be sad, to let it all out, to cry as much as we wanted to. Everyone had a private time with Deanna to just have a special moment with her and the chance to be open about our fears and how sad we were. I got my chance to go in and I remember my heart was racing. I had bottled up so many emotions over the course of that year that I had kept from her because I never ever wanted her to see that side of them. This was my one chance to be real with her though and so we both let it out and had a very special moment. She held my hand and told me some very hard things to hear. She told me how much she cared about our friendship and that she would miss me so much. Likewise, I told her my true scared thoughts of how I didn’t know what I’d do without her in my life, and that I was devastated. But by the end of it, we both brushed off our tears and she said “I feel like I’ve lived such an amazing life. In the last year before I got sick I did everything I wanted to do, I went after every opportunity, made such amazing friendships, I really couldn’t have asked for a better last year of my life”. I loved so much that she said that, because it was true, she lived it UP, and now looking back, it was almost as though life knew this was coming and somehow encouraged her to shine in every aspect of life. As hard as it was, I cherish that private moment with Deanna so much.

The next day we all picked ourselves up again and were able to spread some smiles throughout the room. One of the parts of this journey which was so important to me, was getting to know Deanna’s family so well. They took me in as one of their own and I truly felt like I was part of their family, and still do. Having an amazing support system is so incredibly important when going through something like this, and I can whole heatedly say that Deanna had the best supportive family this world has ever seen. They are some seriously amazing people, and I feel more than lucky to know them.

I sadly had to leave on the Sunday morning, which just happened to be Halloween. If I could go back, I would have 110% changed my flight just to have been able to spend one last Halloween with Deanna. Next to Christmas, it was her favourite day of the whole year. Her and her sisters dressed up as the three witches from the movie Hocus Pocus, and they looked amazing!! The photo of them in their costumes is one of my all-time favourites because it just sums up their beautiful relationship so well. And the fact that Deanna got to dress up as the characters of one of her favourite movies from her favourite holiday, will always warm my heart.

When I got back to Toronto, and back to the office, it was really challenging for me to focus and do a good job. I was constantly making mistakes, and I felt so useless. I had this one chance to prove myself in what was considered one of the most difficult co-op jobs to get and not to mention I was the only girl co-op that the bank had taken on that term. I felt like I was discrediting not only myself but I also had beat myself up that I was discrediting any other girl that would be considered for this type of position. I know this all sounds crazy, but remember, I was only 21, I was emotionally exhausted and I just had no perception of what was even “normal” anymore.

Deanna was flown back that following week through Angel Airways in order to be home for the last while that she had. Doctors had indicated it could be a month or two, but everything was very unsure. On November 6th, Deanna had a late birthday party and invited everyone that was important to her. It was a beautiful day! We celebrated her the entire day and she could not have had a bigger smile on her face. She took picture after picture after picture, all with the same big ear to ear smile. It was incredible. She was making everyone laugh with her hilarious sense of humour and she made sure to spend time with everyone that was there. We always look back on that day and just are amazed by it because it was such a beautiful miracle that Deanna could be there surrounded everyone that she cared about and who cared about her. It was the best and only thing I could have ever wanted for her in that very moment. These are those moments where you break it down and the underlying fundamental is just Love. Love from her and love for her was the only theme on that day.

It was sad to see the day end, because it was so amazing, but we left with huge smiles on our faces and our hearts full knowing that Deanna had the best day. We waved to her as we went and blew her kisses. I remember saying to her “I will see you very soon!” and we went back downtown. I remember that next week being even harder at work. I knew this was the time to be with Deanna but I just didn’t know how to deal with my work. I still hadn’t built up the strength. I don’t know if things would have been different if I had just had another girl near my age in the office that I could have confided in and gained some encouragement from her, but nevertheless, I couldn’t bare having these hard and private conversations with the guys in my group.

That week Deanna had caught a virus in the hospital. To any of us, the virus is totally harmless and sometimes can even just live on our skin without us knowing. But to Deanna, with her lack of immune system, it was something that could be the tipping point. I remember being able to talk to her on the phone on the evening of November 10th. It was hard to understand her but I really appreciated being able to hear her voice. I told her over and over again that I loved her and that I’d be seeing her soon. I think I made out an “I love you too”, but unfortunately it was a rather quick conversation. It didn’t’ sit right the next day and I was really worried about her. I was sending her texts but no responses in return. My last text to her was “I want to quit my job”. I was haunted by that text for long time afterwards. If only I had acted on that.

I got the call mid-morning on November 12th, 2010 from Kristina. The news we had all dreaded. Deanna’s journey had ended. I remember immediately grabbing my things and tried to get out of the office as fast as I could before anyone would notice. I got to the hallway and just sat on the first chair I saw. After I got off the phone with Kristina, I just continued to sit there. I had no idea what my next move was. I couldn’t bare to go back in the office, but then where else was I supposed to go without my purse, keys and coat. Thankfully someone was walking down the hall and saw me there. He came to me and told me to sit tight and that he’d go and get all of my things (I see him every so often now and always think of how kind he was). My team came out with him when he had grabbed my stuff and they told me how sorry they were. I got back to my little apartment and just paced back and forth. I didn’t know what to do so I turned on music and just kept pacing. My phone started ringing off the hook as people gradually started finding out the news. I remember looking at my phone knowing that as much as I didn’t want to pick it up, I owed it to the girls to call them and for them to hear it from me instead of anyone else. I managed to start making the calls and by the time a few of them were done I didn’t think I could say it anymore. The words stung every time I had to say them.

That weather that day was for some reason very foggy. The fog was so bad it was even hard to drive. It was weird and we remember looking back thinking how random the amount of fog was because it didn’t line up with the previous days weather. We all agreed though that it was the heavens coming down to take Deanna. Through this process I’ve learned that you need to focus your energy into finding the beauty in every given situation. If you don’t let yourself, then all you’re doing is living with the same situation except with a negative outlook. So what I’ve learned is take the situation, and find what can be beautiful about it or the silver lining. It was a foggy day, so instead of thinking how bad the weather was, we put our energy into believing that it was the heavens coming down to take Deanna. That thought really touched me.

A small group of us went to the DiClemente’s house that night and just sat on Deanna’s bed all night chatting with Deanna’s sisters and cousins and other family members and friends. So many people came to the house that night, whether they just wanted to say kind words, drop off food or thoughtful gifts, flowers, or just their company. It was incredible to see the amount of love go around on this day. Back at Laurier, the Clayfield girls had organized a beautiful vigil for Deanna. It was amazing how many people went to show their support both for Deanna and also the girls. When the visitation took place two days later, 900 people showed up to provide their support. The line ups were out the door, it was truly incredible. It really goes to show how many people she touched. Everyone had such kind things to say about her and how she had made them also feel so special. While it was a sad day, the love and positive energy in that place was undeniable.

How everyone came together during this sad time and also throughout Deanna’s journey was overwhelmingly amazing. We were all so young at the time and had to experience the harshness of life too early, but we also learned some extremely valuable lessons. We learned how short life can be and that every day is just as valuable as the one before it and the one after it. We learned that at the end of the day, no matter where we come from or what our interest are or what our personalities are, we are all human and we all come together in times like this. We learned the true meaning behind compassion and to have empathy in everyday life, because you never know what people are going through. And we learned that above all else, love and relationships are the top priority, after that everything is noise. While I would never wish this on my worst enemy, I see it as a blessing in disguise that we learned these lessons so young. I’m still touched to this day (and I wasn’t even there) that so many people came by the Clayfield house and dropped off food, cleaned the house for the girls, made beautiful gifts, and just came by to offer their company. I also will always remember everyone’s kind words. For those of you reading this who offered any of the above, or maybe even just offered your smile on one of tough days, thank you from the bottom of my heart.