I wrote this a long while ago and what inspired me to write it was I had stumbled across a blog of someone who wrote about their story of what they were going through. What I loved most about it though is they wrote about all emotions, not just the sad emotions. It was a beautifully written story, and so I thought that if I could be so moved by her story, that maybe I could move someone with mine. I was very private for a long time about everything but I’ve started to realize that sharing these stories can help others, and for that alone, it’s worth opening up. I’ve broken it up in a couple parts, which I’ll post in the next couple of days.
My Story
It’s hard to imagine sometimes that the person you were at a younger age is actually the same person at your current age. But how is that possible that we could think, act and look so differently yet still be that same physical person today. Everyone has a story or a time line of events that has led them to be the person they are today. We are who we are because of the experiences we have gone through, but more importantly we are who we are because of what we did with those experiences and how we let them change us and help us become better people.
September 3, 2007
At age 18, I was heading to University, I didn’t know what I wanted to do or more importantly, why I was even there. I remember sluggishly packing the same day I had to move into residence, no sense of excitement or urgency and no aspirations of adventures or any sort of future to look forward to. I picked Laurier because it was close to home and my older sister seemed to like it, so that was enough for me. I got to the residence on move-in day at pretty much 5 minutes to last call. Everyone had excitedly moved in already and here I was, last one to show up. I got to my door and looked at the name tags “Diana & Deanna”. I thought they probably had a good laugh at that when they put those two names together. Maybe they did it on purpose, or maybe it was all just luck of the draw and fate was on my side that day. For little did I know, that in that moment, my life was changed forever.
After I moved my boxes in and threw a few things into the closet, I walked down the hall to our first floor meeting. All the girls were showing there excitement. I merely stayed quiet and observed the various personalities in the room. Based on the photos I saw when I entered my dorm room, I scoped out who I thought was my roommate. She could not have had a bigger smile on her face. She was wearing a striped white and navy tank with jeans and long flowing brown hair. There was something very friendly about her. After the meeting she walked out first and I knew that the awkward moment was coming when we would meet for the first time. I don’t know why I thought it was awkward, but the concept of sharing such a small space with someone I didn’t know was odd to me and made me feel a little uncomfortable. I walked down the hall and being my shy self, was hoping she wouldn’t notice me and I could sneak into the room without saying hello. To my dismay she was standing right in front of the door just eagerly waiting for me. She caught me and gave me an incredibly big, warm smile, and I remember immediately feeling at ease. She went right in for a hug and made a joke in a sarcastic tone with a silly head tilt and said how she thought she might have had to find another roommate since I hadn’t yet shown up that day. We were instant friends.
I don’t take well to change and new environments or new friends as I am a bit of an introvert (some of you might be surprised by this, but alas, it is true), but there was something so pure and genuine about Deanna that made it so easy to be myself around her. We took a liking to each other immediately and that first night we talked for hours. By the time a month had gone by we were inseparable. It was fun to go out to parties and say “Hi I’m Diana….Hi I’m Deanna” and we’d get the usual expression of “oh wow, that’s a coincidence!”. It was almost as if our names created a bond between us, as though we were always meant to be friends.
Deanna was passionate about everything. I’ve never seen anyone get so excited for the Starbucks Christmas cups to come out (I had no idea that was a thing), or for the first snow fall. She got me in on the excitement and I realized how fun it was to love and celebrate little things like that. She taught me a lot of things, everything from how to wear make-up to how to dance and have fun like no one’s watching. She didn’t care what people thought of her and being herself no matter what was her upmost best quality. She lit up any room she walked into and made everyone feel welcome and special. Her joy and excitement for life was evident in everything that she did. I learned from her a better and happier way to take in every moment. At the time I didn’t even realize how much of a better person she made me become.
By the time the first year was done, her and I were the absolute best of friends. At that point I couldn’t imagine life without her. She had turned into the first and only person to go to with anything I needed to talk about, whether it was something exciting or something I was struggling with. She helped me blossom into the person I had always wanted to be. During our first year, she inspired me to take up business and encouraged me every step of the way to eventually entering the program the next semester. She helped me find my purpose and motivation, the things I had desperately needed to find back when I first came to Laurier.
By the time second year rolled around we had comfortably settled into our new rooms in the attic at 173 Clayfield along with the rest of the house being filled with 5 other incredible girls. Life couldn’t be better!! Me getting into the business program was our opportunity to master it together and little did I realize at the time, it gave us the opportunity to have unforgettable late hilarious nights together, staying up until the wee hours of the morning crunching out a project or studying for an exam. It gave us so much more time to get to know each other better and have some of the best times ever.
Deanna had completely changed my view on life from back to that first day I walked into residence with no excitement, no aspirations and no motivation. We had SO have fun! I couldn’t imagine living with a better group of girls. Not only did we have so much fun together, but we mutually supported each other and cared about each other. It isn’t too often you put 7 girls in a house who are all close friends and stay close friends. We certainly had something special. The fun continued all through second year and third year. We went through ups and downs with boyfriends, ex-boyfriends and school and other life woes, but through and through we remained as close as ever.
I’ll always remember the last day I was with Deanna at 173 Clayfield. It was December 19th, 2009 and I sat in her room while she packed up her things for the holidays. It was her favourite time of the year, so she was extra excited to go home. I helped her pack and we chatted about her trip to Dominican she was going to go on and how we’d meet up after she got back. Her and I had spent so much time together that fall doing project after project, too many exams to count and hours of just hanging out and being around each other. It was always hard saying goodbye to her, even if it was just Christmas break. She loaded up her car and took off, but first gave a massive hug and wished me a merry Christmas and that she’d miss me. After she left, a song came on my playlist called “I’m only me when I’m with you” by Taylor Swift so I messaged her telling her the coincidence of the song and her in my life. She immediately replied telling me she had just thought of sending me a message, because it had started sinking in for her that we weren’t going to see each other for 3 weeks. It really amplified my thoughts that we definitely had a special bond, and I truly had a best friend for life.
January 3rd hit like a rock. It was about noon and I was out for brunch with some friends. I got an odd message on my phone from Deanna’s cell but it wasn’t Deanna, it was her sister Kristina. The message read “Diana, it’s Kristina, call me on Deanna’s cell when you can”. It didn’t feel right and I immediately excused myself from the table to make the call. When I heard Kristina say over the phone the word “Leukemia” I instantly started to shake and tears came down my face. To be honest, I had heard of Leukemia maybe once or twice before but didn’t know exactly what it was. What I did know was that it wasn’t good and it was happening to my best friend. We made a plan on the earliest I could come see Deanna and I wiped the tears off and went back to the table, hoping no one had noticed me crying because I couldn’t bear the idea of me having to say the words out loud. I sat down with my food in front of me, my appetite lost, and just looked out the window. I remember being so stunned like I was in some sort of bad dream, with a mere recollection of thinking life would never be the same after that moment.
I got home and just laid in my bed for hours. It just couldn’t be true, absolutely no way, this is Deanna we’re talking about?! We we re supposed to see each other tonight at 173 Clayfield and gear up for another fantastic school term. I kept going over and over in my head how it couldn’t be true. It was snowing pretty bad that night and my parents weren’t sure they could take me back to Waterloo. I knew the girls would all be arriving at Clayfield all excited and I couldn’t bear the thought of breaking all of their hearts with the news. I waited for a long while to see whether the snow would clear up, but it was no good. I called Heather on the phone and asked her to get all the girls into her room because I had something to tell them. They were all so cheery on the phone, making silly jokes and laughing. I could tell they were excited about being back. It took me a while to get the courage to say it, I dodged it with a few words at first and then finally came out with it. I could tell I had cut the air with a knife on their end. I so badly wish I could have been there to tell them in person instead of over the phone. We all talked for a while, but none of us seemed to know too much about what Deanna had and the severity of it, but again, all we knew is that it wasn’t good.
That term I was on my second co-op which was thankfully in Waterloo, so I was able to live at the house with the girls. It was so incredibly hard to move back in right across from Deanna’s door and seeing it shut. It was as though a part of me wasn’t there. I went into my first day of my co-op and spent the day trying as best as I could to pretend everything was alright. It killed me that I was at this silly job when I could have been with Deanna instead. I wanted to tell the lady next to me but I didn’t want to say it out loud again, for the fear of that making it just that much more true.
Finally, I got to go to Hamilton and visit Deanna. I was extremely nervous at first because I didn’t know what to expect. Would she look like herself? Would she be sad? Am I going to cry when I see her? I didn’t want to upset her. I finally mustered up the courage and walked into her hospital room. How she did it in her state I don’t know, but she absolutely lit up the room, as she always does. Biggest smile on her face, so incredibly beautiful. She immediately smiled even bigger when she saw me and welcome me into her room. My goodness, nothing could break that girl, she was so happy to see me and was chatting away with everyone in the room. She told me not to worry and that everything was fine. How was she so OK with all of it? It amazed me. It was the absolute opposite of what I was expecting. I left with a sense of hope and happiness for her. There wasn’t a thought in my mind that she wouldn’t get through this.
Back at Clayfield was hard. I had found such a soul mate in Deanna, she was my person. I had become so dependent on her being there. I missed opening my door and walking across the small little hallway to go and sit on her bed and chat. All I saw was her closed door each time. I missed the sound of her running up and down the stairs or the music she would play or how she would bounce into my room and distract me from studying with silly jokes and ideas to go shopping or get some treats.
One night in mid-January I decided it was time to get out and have some fun to take my mind off things. I got ready and went with the girls over to a pre-drink. It was fun, but normally I had Deanna there to feel at ease with and talk to. Without her I felt really alone and detached from what was going on around me. I didn’t have it in me that night to head out to the bar with everyone, so instead I walked back to Clayfield alone, all the while wishing so bad that Deanna could be back with us. I walked up to my room, all sunken and sad and as I opened the door I saw I had left my phone on my desk. It was ringing so I went over and looked down and saw that Deanna was calling me. I picked up the phone and instantly cried to her. It was the most overwhelming feeling that she had called me in that moment, almost as though she knew I was thinking of her. I felt so silly crying to her, but she just let my cry and calmed me down. How could she calm ME down? She’s the one that is in the hospital! It should have been the other way around. Nevertheless she knew exactly what to say and was so comforting to me. Her strength was so astounding, I couldn’t comprehend how she was handling everything so well. It was clearly her undying love for life and positivity that kept her smiling every day.
As the weeks went on, Deanna went through various episodes of chemotherapy and I was able to text and skype with her as much as I could. Some days we would skype for hours and just have our screens up as though we were sitting next to each other. She would tell me about everything she was going through and any updates she had. I think I was still in denial of the whole thing, even by the time a couple months had gone by. I kept thinking she would finish her chemotherapy, take some time to recover and then be back in school by the fall. I think at one point I was even sure she’d be back in school for the summer. I definitely regret how much I was naïve and in denial, I think it took me out of reality of Deanna’s situation and didn’t let me be in tune with what she was going through day-to-day and the seriousness of it all.
Deanna would tell me about the various struggles she was going through and I would try to comfort her as best as I could but it was difficult because I felt so useless a lot of the time. I truly didn’t know what she was going through and I didn’t want to pretend I did know. I think because I felt that way though, it allowed Deanna to really vent to me about it all because I wasn’t going to go back to her and say I had any idea of how she was feeling or try to comfort her with empty positive sayings. Some people are great at being positive, but sometimes life really does suck and you are allowed to cry about it, just as long as you pick yourself up, dust off the tears and take a new step forward tomorrow. And that’s exactly what Deanna did. Nothing was going to get in her way or put her down or stop her from smiling. She would even make jokes about losing her hair (her lint brush video J ) or about her hospital room etc. Every nurse that helped Deanna along the way fell in love with her and Deanna made sure to make everyone feel happy and hopeful.
In the Spring of 2010 Deanna underwent a stemcell transplant from her sister Heather and by early summer she had made it to remission. It was such an exciting time! I couldn’t have been more happy for her to get to leave the hospital and go home to be with her family. What an incredible feeling that must have been. We forget the little things that matter so much when you don’t have them, like seeing the sunshine or feeling the breeze or being able to walk or just dressing up and feeling beautiful. These were special moments to Deanna and she made the absolute most of it! She managed to make it back to Clayfield for a day and went to Laurier to pick up some books so she could possibly take up a course while she was at home. Her progression was exciting and I was so overjoyed to see her feeling better.
Suddenly in July of that summer, Deanna collapsed at home and was rushed back to the hospital. She had relapsed. It was bad this time too and I received the call late at night that they weren’t sure she was going to make it until the morning. I instantly collapsed to the ground. Everything was rushing through my held. I felt so shaken that this hard reality was hitting me when for so long I was in denial that she was getting better. Thoughts were hitting me like “why am I here studying late at night when I should have been there with her”. My mom picked me up at 6am that morning and drove me to Hamilton. She didn’t think it was safe for me to drive on my own. I got to the hospital and all the other girls started to arrive. Deanna had miraculously made it through the night and we were able to visit her in her room that morning. The girls had found some fun paper glasses downstairs that when you looked at the light it made hearts and smiley faces as you looked through them. We all wore them in her room, including Deanna. It was a special moment. To be able to put a smile on her face meant everything. Looking around the room and knowing that each of us had dropped anything and everything that we had been doing just to be there for this special girl was a very heartwarming feeling.
It really hits you in those moments of what matters most to this life we all live. It’s the people in your life that make you feel whole. When you break life down to a moment like this, you start to realize that a whole bunch of things that frustrated you or you thought made your life complicated, all of a sudden don’t matter anymore. Problems you’re dealing with just don’t seem so big anymore. You’re able to look past all the material noise and see through to what you truly cherish, and what keeps us every day putting one step in front of the other. For me, that was my best friend, Deanna.
Comments