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Writer's picturedianaafraser

Catching Some Rays (Ray....diation)

So I have somehow made it to my last radiation appointment. Who knew four weeks could go by so fast. Since radiation is required every day for 20 days (aside from weekends), I have started to become accustomed to heading into the hospital every day. It’s starting to feel like a routine, so I’m glad I can finally cut the cord this coming Monday and say sayonara to the hospital for a while. The appointments are unpleasant and awkward, and I now have a full throttle major sunburn looking situation going on which is very painful and irritating. Just yesterday the burn turned into some blisters in my armpit – ouch! The fact that I have to even go in for one more session is so disturbing knowing how bad it has already become. My daily routine has now included gooping on layers on moisturizer every 2-3 hours and sitting in my bathtub 3 times a day pouring saline solution all over my breast.


If only I could be this pineapple....

But come Monday, I’ll be DONE treatment!!!! Woohoooooo!


What’s next you ask?


Well unfortunately my radiation burn will be getting worse before it gets better. Kind of like when you’re out in the sun for the day thinking you’re all badass tanned and can withstand the deadly rays of the sun, but then later that night you’re desperately pouring an entire bottle of Aloe Vera on yourself because your tan is now an insanely bad burn. Well this is the same but instead of getting worse in a day, mine gets worse over the course of a week or so. It’s a little unnerving knowing that it’s already so bad and it’s supposed to get even worse. I’ll be bracing myself for some more blistering and potentially peeling. Cool. But hopefully in a month’s time I will be fully on the mend with an actual real end in sight to all of this.


Ok but what’s next after that?


My cancer was growing off of hormones (primarily estrogen), which means I will be placed on hormone suppressive drugs for probably the next 10 years. I will have to receive a shot every 28 days called Zoladex (which btw is a massive f*cking needle – I dare you to google image it), which will put my ovaries to sleep, and then I will also be taking a daily pill called Tamoxefin which essentially will block the receptors of the cells in my breast tissue so that they can’t latch on to estrogen – inhibiting any cancerous cells from growing off of estrogen again. The combination of these two drugs will place me in a chemically induced menopause. I am going to have spend some time understanding my new body and health once my system fully takes on these new drugs. I will have to figure out how the medication decides to affect me, and figure out what I can do to help the side effects.


You might have experienced at some point an older women past menopause saying things like “ooooh you young things and your salt! I wish I could eat like that”……. Or “I used to not have to work much at being in shape – now I have to work extra hard!”…… yeah turns out hormones keep you as a sweet young thing. So I will have to figure out how to fool my body from being fooled into menopause….. wish me luck. If you see me shopping at Talbots, I might need you to step in and give me an intervention of sorts.


So yeah, cancer does not end once treatment ends – who knew….. Now you do.


I am happy to say that I went back to the office though! I went back on September 4th and have been going into the office in the mornings and then heading to the hospital for my radiation appointments in the afternoon. It has been GREAT getting back into a routine and to see my team at work. I really enjoy being back, and being able to keep it at a manageable level has made it a great addition to my day without too much stress associated with it. It has really helped me in the sense that I feel like I’m getting parts of my life back, like a puzzle that was broken up but finally coming back together. I have acknowledged that there are pieces of the original puzzle that will either take a long time to come back or some pieces that may not come back at all, with the latter being a sore spot for me and one that I’m working on.


It’s really hit me lately when I’ve met someone new in the last couple of months. That person will never know the previous Diana. All they will ever know is Diana after cancer. Is that a bad thing? Maybe not. But I did personally like the pre-cancer Diana. I’ll be getting to know the post-cancer Diana along with everyone else, so we’ll see how she turns out. Before I get all worked up about some “new” Diana though, I’m going to be patient and wait to see how many pieces of my life I can put back together before I start mourning anything. The next couple of months will be the most difficult because while major pieces of my life are coming back together, I still don’t have much hair, making it difficult to step out of “cancer Diana”. I can’t tell you how much I’m looking forward to the day where I can comfortably and confidently say that I don’t need to wear my headwraps or wig again. The other challenge I’ve been hit with a lot lately is drinking alcohol.


Drinking alcohol is a known cause for my type of breast cancer. We’ll never know if alcohol caused my cancer, and there is a chance that this all was really just luck of the draw. But the problem is hormone positive breast cancer has time and time again been statistically proven to be a high risk factor for hormone positive breast cancer. So what are my options?


1. I limit my alcohol to MAX 7 drinks per week (if that), and make sure I’m always counting my drinks, and never getting drunk ever again.


2. I put the faith in the idea that alcohol did not and will not give me cancer and I go back to having fun (although maybe less than before), but nonetheless, go back to indulging in wine nights and having drunken fun


Let’s say I go with #1. I limit myself, upset my social life, and essentially change my life as I know it…..but then down the road I get a reoccurance. Will that be worse than if I choose #2 and get a reoccurance? Tough call right?


I can’t tell you how much this entire thought process has danced in my head. This thought alone has been very painful. I’ve had multiple major breakdowns over it. It’s such a silly yet totally valid issue to get very upset about. And it’s not like I’m alcohol addict or anything. Alcohol just happens to a large and very fun part of my life, whether it’s having delicious wine at dinner parties or restaurants, to getting drunk with friends at parties or weddings, to drinking while on fun trips and weekends away. Alcohol is EVERYWHERE. And I’ve tried the whole pep talk of “well it’ll be healthier, and no hangovers, and you’ll save money……” Yeah but those 3 things are typically the reasons someone may choose not to drink for a period of time. My situation is not necessarily a casual choice, and it’s a lifetime for me, not “sober October”.


I’m working on it…..slowly but surely. Stay tuned. Ugh.

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