You’d think that since I’m no longer taking down drinks all weekend long, I’d wake up refreshed and ready to take on the world today. Instead I feel like I have a severe case of the “Mondays” today. I feel like I just got back from a week long bender and my body hates me. I wish I could tell my body that in actual fact I’ve been treating it like a queen and that this time it was not self-induced! As you can see, Alba also has a case of the Mondays.
PS. I realize I post a lot of photos of Alba, but it's only because she's so gosh darn cute and I just figured that you'd appreciate the cuteness. So ya, as a heads up, there will lot's more to come.
I had my second round of chemo on Wednesday (May 2nd). I’m starting to catch on that as each round approaches there is going to be a steady incline of anxiety levels. It’s like you know you’re going to get an electric shock once every two weeks and there is nothing you can do about it. The pain of the shock sits heavy in your mind and as the days get closer to the next one, and you can’t help but fear it. I’m trying to ignore the anxiety but I can’t help but think that as I count the days go by, I’m left with fewer days until the next round – fewer days to feel good and actually have time to feel happiness and freedom from all of this.
My second round felt a bit different than the first round. The worst days so far this time around have been Day 1, evening of Day 4, Day 5 and 6 (today). Surprisingly I felt fine on days 2 and 3, and most of 4, but that might have had to do with the Neulasta steroid shot that I get on Day 2 which is to help me build up white blood cells. On Saturday (Day 4) I felt pretty good, so good in fact that I decided to do a world premiere of my head wrap and head to a Cinco de Mayo patio party! It was a lot of fun and was great to get outside and enjoy the sunshine. I was obviously sans alcohol (those margarita’s looked SO good though), but it fine. When you have slight hangover feels going on, alcohol isn’t really on your radar.
Things were going well, but then as the day progressed I could feel my body start to fade. Standing, talking, and just being around a lot of people started to feel extremely exhausting. When I left and went back to my apartment I laid down and finally had moment to feel what was going on. My entire body hurt. I felt like I had bruises all over me - arms, stomach, back, legs, even my face hurt. The bruising feeling felt only surface deep, so just on my skin (it’s kind of hard to explain), so I wasn’t concerned it was anything serious – but it felt like I had done a full day of kickboxing or something. I think it’s actually related to the steroid shot I have to take vs. the chemotherapy. I should make a point though that it was totally worth it to go out and see people and feel relatively normal. As much as I totally paid for it that night and the next day, I’m glad I got out!
The shittyness lasted through the night – couldn’t fall asleep, and when I did, I would wake up an hour or so later drenched in sweat. It was awful. That next day was a couch day – ALL day. It was nice to not have to leave the apartment on Sunday, other than taking Alba out. Mark was very hungover, so we made a great pair that day - having the same mindset of wanting to stay on the couch. At one point Mark made a hilarious joke and we cried laughing, for a long time – highlight of the day. I wish I could describe it for all of you but I won’t do it justice. If you’ve ever seen the youtube video of the little girl saying “SCHNAAACKS”…. Well he essentially imitated that to a T. Mark always knows how to light up a room and make me laugh, which I am so thankful for, and also love him so much for! He is my main source of happiness every day.
Tomorrow is Day 7, which I am excited for because that’s when things turned around for me last time. I’m looking forward to seeing what I am capable of this week. I’m hoping I’ll have energy to do some exercise, and get back to some of my favourite things. It would be really nice to not wake up to a debilitating headache, or to have such low energy that I stay in bed until 12pm. I want to feel like my useful and active self again, and I want to make sure that I can maximize the next 7 days before I have to do this all over again!
Hair (or lack of hair) Update
So I’ve hit the point where I’m shedding probably more than Alba at this point. Yep, it’s as gross, uncomfortable and unpleasant as you might think it would be. You’re welcome for sharing that with you! I actually found some of my hair on Alba this morning. It felt very backwards – I should be finding her fur on me? Payback time I guess. It’s at a very awkward stage because the hairs are all very tender so to buzz it seems like it would be painful. At night I’ve been wearing a toque so that it catches the hair and doesn’t leave it all over my pillow. Despite all of this though, it still looks like I have a rather full head of hair – that would be thanks to my European/British blood – the fact that I’ve already lost so much but still have a full head of hair left. We’ll see how long this lasts. I might have to come up with a solution soon!
One of my more frustrating thoughts or roadblocks currently is the inconvenience of doing regular day things and trying to figure out what to do about my hair situation. It’s not so “quick” anymore to pop down to the grocery store or pick up a coffee or go for a walk. I’m past the point where I can just put on a headband, a ball cap works but soon it won’t because my head will be patchy and then eventually bald, and a head wrap or wig seems like so much work just to pick up an avocado. Do I get to a point where I am a fearless bald girl? What if I don’t get to that – everything already feels like so much effort and now I have to add on so much more. Ugh. Why do I care so much?! I wish I didn't. There was a post by a girl on instagram also going through cancer and she said "I feel beautiful with my bald head today. It's a shame that society would like to tell me otherwise". The post really impacted me because it was just so true.
This is going to sound random at first but just go with me. You know when you’re picking out a car to buy and say you choose a Volkswagen Jetta. Now all of a sudden you see Volkswagen Jetta’s EVERYWHERE. Roads seem to be filled with them and somehow you never noticed them before. I thought that now that I have cancer, I would be more observant to seeing other people that have cancer. Walking around before I was diagnosed I feel as though I rarely saw anyone who seemed as though they were going through cancer (as in no one wearing a head wrap, or bald, etc.). Now I look for people, although I still don’t seem to notice them. I had hoped that I would now notice them and not feel so alone in my new skin – that other people were also walking down the street, fearless. I can’t say that this has been the reality though. Maybe others are very good at hiding it, either that or maybe I am actually one of very few (my age), who knows. This discovery makes me more nervous to think of going outside and drawing attention to myself through my bald head, head wraps and what not. I hope I will eventually get to a point of comfort and fearlessness, but it looks like it's going to take me longer than I initially thought.
I know I say this a lot, but it’s only because I truly am blown away every day by it all. Thank you so much to all of you for your amazing support, encouraging messages and thoughtful gestures. I appreciate it more than you know. You are all so integral to my every day happiness and strength.
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