Well the day finally arrived. The day I’ve been dreading since I found out about my new reality, or you could actually say I’ve been dreading this or scared of it since I found out what Chemo even was and frankly never wanted to have to do it. But here I am, April 19, 2018, walking into the Chemo “Daycare” (not my word – their word) not ready at all to have my body and life changed forever.
This day has been looming for so long and it has terrified me because it feels like it’s the start of the rest of my “new” life. Surgery I could handle, but the full body aspect of chemo and what it does to you – that, I’m still wrapping my head around. When you put the chemical cocktail into you, there is no going back, no more untouched healthy body. You’re forever changed. This thought really clung to me, I couldn’t shake it off. With every day going by and getting closer to “dooms day”, I got more and more anxious. I think I built it up too much in my head though – or maybe not, after all we’re talking about chemo here? Who knows. I mean the day is coming for me regardless – I might as well try to put my energy into how I can make this better for myself vs. trying to avoid it. So I tried. I decided to re-do my bedroom and make a little sanctuary, being that I’ll spend a significant amount of time in there over the next 4 months. Really happy with that decision! I’ve learned that doing little favours for yourself is So important. You don’t realize how much you need them, until you need them, and then you’re like “wow I am so thankful I did that favour for myself”. Way to go Diana!
Today felt like any other morning. Mark and I woke up with Alba in the middle of us, lying in her usual human form on her back with her head on our pillows and her legs stretched out long. She must have been a human in another life, she is so good at it. Mark and I had a group cuddle with Alba, it was really nice, almost forgot what was waiting for me that day. Almost.
When I got up, I had such a hard time deciding whether I wanted to wash my hair. Maybe I should do it because it’ll be the last time I wash it chemo-free? But what if that makes me too emotional and I start ugly crying while I’m blow drying my hair – which by the way is not an easy task, even on a good day. But then if I don’t wash my hair, then I’ll have to wash my hair after chemo and what if some of it starts falling out? UGH decisions. I opted to leave it. I think the idea of spending 45 minutes on my hair that specific morning was going to be too much to take on emotionally.
The prep drugs I had to take that morning needed food, so I cooked up a nice breakfast (sourdough bread, avocado and eggs). I had to take a total of 6 pills that morning – all associated to save me from the evil of nausea. One of my best girlfriend’s, Laura McMillan, came over to drive me to the appointment. So kind of her. It was really great having both her and Mark with me. Perfect distraction from my thoughts that morning. Laura has also graciously offered to take photos of me through this cancer journey. She is a beautiful photographer, and has made an impressive career out of it as well as being a bad ass editor (Hot Line Bling! – sorry Laura, I had to – proud friend over here!). I figured as much as this will be an experience I already want to forget about, I know further down the road it’ll be an experience I want to look back on and remember how far I got, how much I fought through, and to remind myself of the strength I am capable of. Blogging and writing it down does a good job at capturing it, although photos, as we all know, tell a further story. I’m so thankful that Laura has taken on the task of it! So any beautiful photos you see in my blog from here on out are her talented work.
I sat down in the “chair” and got hooked up to my poison. Thankfully I have great veins and there was no maneuvering around trying to land the vein. Got it on the first try! (my mini victories are getting sadder by the day, ugh). The first chemo drug was a red liquid which went in first by the nurse pushing it through my IV. It was a little scary watching it go through, just felt so unnatural. At least with a clear liquid you can tell your mind that it’s just regular fluids. I also could kind of taste it as it went in. Can’t really describe what it tasted like, but let’s just say it wasn’t something I would ever choose to taste. It was much unwanted. When that was done they gave me my second chemo drug, which thankfully was clear, and that went in as a drip.
Between the two drugs I annoyingly had to go to the bathroom though. I say “annoyingly” because I was hooked up to the IV so I had to wheel that damn pole in there with me again. I hate that pole. All it does is say loudly “HI, THIS GIRL IS A PATIENT!”, can’t get away from it. Being in the bathroom by myself was the worst part of the whole day. When you’re by yourself, in silence, the thoughts you’ve been trying to push out of the way all of a sudden come screaming back; “Why is this my life!”…… “today, everything changes”…….“my body as I know it is gone”……“next time I’m here, I won’t have hair”…… “why is this my life!”, and on and on it went. I came out of the bathroom crying each time. Thankfully I wasn’t in there long enough to get to the ugly cry stage, just some tears I couldn’t help but let out.
While I was there I had some amazing visitors though! Laura Mitchell came and visited me which was so sweet. She also dropped off a little note for me that was from my girls who had bought me a ticket to go with them to see Miranda Lambert at Budweiser Stage (PS. It will forever be the Molson Amp to me) on August 23rd! So after my chemo is done!!! I now have something exciting to look forward to when all of this is said and done. I’ll be putting on my country boots and stomping around with them to Kerosene, just like old times at the Stampede Corral – circa 2009. So sweet of them – thank you girls! That was a perfect pick-me-up that day.
My next visitor was a girl named Shannon, who is so lovely! I was connected to her through Laura as she also went through Breast Cancer recently (around the same age) and even had the same Doctor’s as I did. She dropped off a calming spray for my scalp (when all this hair is gone), to keep it from feeling irritated. Extremely thoughtful!! She told me that she got the tip from someone else who had gone through chemo, and so had passed on the tip to me and had bought me a bottle of it. You can bet I’ll be paying it forward and passing on the favour when I’m on the other side of this and can help another amazing gal power through this :).
From start to finish, we were there for about 4 hours. Since it was my first time, the prep work took a while. I think the next time I go, it’ll be a lot shorter, hopefully only 2 hours. The nurse who was prepping me told me about how on your last chemo day, they ring a bell for you and celebrate. She was so sweet and said “I’m already looking forward to ringing it for you!”. The comment almost made me burst into tears. The genuine compassion these careworkers have for their patients is really touching.
When I got home, my other girlfriend Lauren stayed with me all day. It was so nice! One part of this situation that may actually be a solid silver lining, is how much quality time I have spent with everyone. It means so much to me and has been so important to keep my mind in positivity land (or something closely resembling it). We both just couch surfed it, had some tea, listened to some great music and I got to write while she worked. Oh and Alba felt it necessary to be on top of us all day – but we didn’t mind :). At one point she was basically in Lauren's laptop.
Day 1 side effects have been rather minimal, which is nice, but also what I expected. It mostly feels like a moderate hangover (but without the epic night before that gave you the hangover - #notwinning). The most prominent discomfort though is some joint pain I’m feeling in my hips, knees and wrists. The pain is more like constant aches, and weird tingling. The consensus I’ve heard is that the major days for side effects are around days 2-4, but who knows! Stay tuned.
Ps. most posts probably won't have as many photos. But this was an important one. Thanks for the beautiful photos, Laura <3
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