Ok so I decided to be reckless again and write a blog post through the Chemo Brain. I had my second cycle this morning around 9:30am. I could feel the chemo brain almost right away…. Or maybe it was all in my head, but that sounds weird because chemo brain is in my head. Anyways, I could feel my vision go a little fuzzy and my thoughts seemed slower. I think I recall I struggled on a couple of words while I was still in the chair. Regardless though, fuzzy brain or not, I really wanted to write a post for all of you.
I walked in today to the Chemo Day Care feeling totally different from that first day. I suppose anyone who has gone through this would probably have a similar story. First round TOTALLY SUCKS and is TERRIFYING. Second round gets better. Hopefully it continues that way….I don’t however want to cross the line of “this is normal”. Because I already have a version of what I consider “normal” and it does not include chemotherapy rounds.
One of my best girlfriend’s, Alex, came with Mark and I this time. It has been really great having constant visitors, really keeps my mind in a happy place and doesn’t let it veer into my fears or constant disappointing thoughts of “this sucks”. Laura Mitchell also found us and visited as well. We had some good laughs and the vibes that morning were undeniably all positive. I had much less anxiety this time around of the red drug going in. Knowing that it hadn’t killed me the last time, I was a little more trusting this time. Even when the nurse dressed herself up in headgear, eye goggles, and mouth cover….I managed to keep the anxiety levels at a manageable level, all the while wanting to be like “why are you protecting yourself from this liquid that is going INSIDE me?! Can I get protection too?!”.
It was over pretty quickly and I was dismissed or “discharged” (in hospital lingo), about 2 and a half hours after arriving – not terrible. Mark and I then decided to take advantage of the nice weather and we walked home. This beautiful weather is such a nice addition to my motivation! (or a nice complement to my lack of motivation) I honestly don’t know how people go through this in the dead of winter – power to them!
I decided to give one of my headwraps a debut! I am equally excited and extremely nervous to rock them. I love all of the colours and they are undoubtedly so beautiful, but I don’t know if I have the courage to wear them out yet! I wish I could just strut outside with no worries in the world and make them look badass, however something inside of me holds me back each time. I don’t even know why because I’ve always loved to be bold. I think it’s just the loud voice that tells the world that I, Diana Fraser, have cancer.
I haven’t entirely lost my hair but it has become thinner at the top I think, or maybe that is still just the remnants of the questionable haircut I got on Friday….not sure. My hair however has become sensitive though. It feels like it’s been in a ponytail way too long (which is clearly hasn’t) and any switching direction of the strands of hair is painful. Yes, my hair is painful, who knew hair could be painful. I have heard that apparently this is an early sign that it’s soon to let go.
I was at the prep appointment for chemo the day prior, so Tuesday, and the lady said “oh wow, aside from you cutting your hair off, you still have a full head of hair!”. I looked at her and said in a concerned voice “I’M LOSING MY HAIR, RIGHT?!”…. she assured me I would. Not only did I cut off 20+ inches but it looks like a 3 year old cut it – so yeah, it better fall out. Which reminds me of when I was really young, possible 4 or 5, my older sister Gwendolyn decided to cut my hair. It likely had the same level of quality as this haircut I have now. My dad got her back by giving her a very similar haircut….so we got to rock the hack jobs together! I thought it was perfect payback – well done Dad…..I digress though. Today is day 14 post first round of chemo, and I can’t entirely tell if anything has falling out yet…. So stay tuned.
Important Shout out!!
As I mentioned back in my one post called “A Few FAQ”, I talked about my healthy diet that I am attempting. In response to my goal of staying healthy, one of my good girlfriend’s, Vic, who works at Freshii, along with her team at the Company were able to do the most amazing gesture for me!! Freshii offers packages of freshly made meals, ready to order, for anywhere from 1-5 days worth. Each package gives you a full breakfast, snack, lunch, dinner and freshly squeezed juices. It’s totally amazing and I wish I knew about it sooner!! They present it out in different options, so you choose an option and it has a well laid out daily meal plan for you. I think you can either go pick it up or have it dropped off and it’s all freshly made that day, beautifully arranged, and is a bucket load of food!!
They have been SO kind and have offered me a 3 day package once a month while I go through my treatment. I cannot get over the incredibly thoughtful gesture, I am so very thankful! Not to mention I love Freshii!! I’ve always heard great things about the team there from Vic, so I am really touched that I am now on the receiving end of that greatness. The first month’s 3-day package was dropped off last night and I have surprisingly eaten so much of it already! This morning was especially helpful having the food because I was able to eat a high protein breakfast of Steak, boiled eggs and tomato prior to having to take all my meds. It was perfectly ready to go. Thank you Freshii team!
So now I am 2 rounds down, 6 to go!! Getting to the end does feel in sight which is a huge relief. My sister, Gwendolyn, currently lives in Australia and she mentioned visiting late summer and said “oh my gosh, I’m so excited, it’s coming up so soon!!”…….all I could think was “it is?!”. It’s funny how our perception of time can change when you’re not enjoying what it is that you’re going through. It gave me a sense of hope that she thought it was coming up quick, vs. my perspective where it feels like a lifetime away.
Today was a bit of a bummer because I had bought tickets to go see Kygo wayyyyy back (I emphasize the wayyyyy because it was far enough back that it was a much simpler time when “Breast Cancer” and “Diana” did not coincide). I was going to go with my friend Phil and it was supposed to be the best night ever. Unfortunately I had really low energy levels today after the second chemo round and was feeling pretty blah. The idea of standing at the concert for upwards of 3 hours did not feel like an option to me. Instead I stayed home and passed out on my couch #riveting.
It was my first foray of feeling like I’m missing out which was hard to come to terms with. For so long I have suffered from FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) – this is a real thing! I swear I should be clinically diagnosed with it. It occurred to me that there will be multiple times where I will have to put my FOMO aside and just sit back and take a time-out – and maybe just live vicariously through people for the time being instead. I’ll also have to face my FOMO this weekend with one of my best friend’s bachelorette weekends. Such is life – or is it? Breast Cancer at 29 is not “life”. Thankfully though I can remind myself that this is all TEMPORARY and that I’ll be back being “Diana” in no time. In fact, to think ahead a year, two years, 5 years, from now, it’ll might all feel like a blip in time. That is the hope.
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